Inquietud Espiritual

I've been in a state of spiritual unrest for quite some time.
My focus has been cloudy, and I haven't been able to make a clear decision with complete peace for several months, maybe longer.
I had a disagreement about the Bible last night with my best friend, and although we ended it OK, I woke up feeling uneasy. What I did feel good about was that it was the first time I'd stood up for my faith in the face of opposition in a long time.
Then, all of a sudden today things started popping into my head. Clear, accurate assertions that I knew I had to make. I had to stand in my faith not meekly, but with bold confidence; the confidence that if I stand up for God, He will protect me. No weapons formed against me shall prosper, I'm more than a conqueror. It was then that I started getting angry. I had this spiritual indignation that threw me into such direct clarity of understanding I started writing to the one person who should have been spiritually united with me all along. I sat down and wrote a 6-page, non-flowery letter telling him how it is and what needs to happen. I also realized that I had to forgive myself and tell him that I am doing so. I will no longer walk with my head turned behind me. The past is over and the future is not guaranteed. I am done living in fear. I am done living without faith. I will walk, talk, and act in holy boldness. I will submit to the will of God and accept my failures as a part of life. There's some work to be done...a lot of it in fact. I praise God for this unrest. I praise Him that He is revealing His truth and His light. I will look to Him and no one else for my guidance...Thy word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path.

~TT~

Sorry for the Drama...

Hey All,
If you're reading this it's because I sent you an invite as a faithful follower of my blog :-). I had to shut off public access due to the personal nature of my posts as there were some people looking at it that I didn't quite care for. Hope you are all enjoying life to the fullest, I look forward to your comments soon!

-Tremenda

This love has been dropped, shattered, picked up, pieced together, and dropped again.
I stand here
Angry amongst the shards cutting into my tender feet
I stand atop
Broken Thanksgivings and children never born
I clumsily crush
Two newlywed virgins on a Hawaiian honeymoon
I bleed for
Our buried nephews and the ashes of our ancestors
I struggle to
Find my way off of this pile of everything and nothing at all.

More Professional Updates from TT

OK, so I applied and interviewed for a gig at Company X.... I know I said I wouldn't do it, but sometimes you get nostalgic, remember how it used to be and well...you start catchin' feelings.

Not sure how it will go, but I'll find out sometime this week.

This job is the epitome of everything I know and love. It's marketing, social responsibility, and social interaction...oh yeah, and a fat ass paycheck.

If I took this job I would be traveling to places like Kenya, Thailand, Switzerland, and maybe even Dominican Republic...it's my dream come true, but the more I think about it the more I doubt my performance in the interview.

I had about 90 minutes to prepare for it, as they told me to come in on Wednesday at 9:30 am and then changed their mind at the last minute and I had to go in at 7:15 Tuesday night. I scrambled to get my stuff together but I was so nervous...I know I was able to express my passion, but not my confidence or preparedness for this job.

I answered the questions poorly at the beginning, and didn't give a good answer about why I started my own company after I left them. I just really really REALLY want this job. I want financial security, free travel, and the potential to advance in my career. I would like to be the VP of Corporate Responsibility one day...you heard it here first. There was a time a couple years ago when I doubted my ability to achieve such professional greatness, but I don't anymore. I'm ready to get in there, do it the way I know it should be done, and let them know that C to the MF'in' G is in the building.
OOOWEEEE! I think I just jumped back and kissed myself!

Seriously though- I used to be scared of trying to get that far ahead because I wanted to be home and worried about having a family...but now I'm not sure if either of those things will pan out for me. I'm sitting back and biding my time, but for now I am focused on taking care of myself emotionally, physically, and spiritually. I refuse to allow my circumstances to defeat me, regardless if it's personal or professional. I have risen above the ashes before, and I'll do it again.

Sometimes I think my mission in life is to sacrifice a life with emotional fulfillment so I can achieve a higher purpose. It may just not be meant for me to have a family or a home life, and if that's the case I will accept my fate and work with what I've got.

-Yes I know I'm all over the place, I've got a lot of uncertainty pending. To Be Continued...

This Time, It's Personal.

I applied. I applied for a job I'm not qualified for but I dream about it constantly. As I recounted yesterday, I will not be teaching next semester due to availability of classes, the woman whose place I was supposed to take is now not leaving, and that's final.

But!

I couldn't be happier. Sound like I'm in denial? Allow me to clarify. Everything, and I mean EVERYTHING I have accomplished in my career has led up to this position. What the hell is it you ask? I applied to be the Executive Director of a non-profit organization that does social advocacy, leadership and capacity building, education, and support for adjudicated youth in the Latino community where I live. My relationship with them started out when my company rebranded their entire organization. I was then invited to serve on the Board of Directors and then it just so happened that it worked out for me to work there part-time during the leadership transition. I have been sharing responsibilities with the Interim Executive Director who doesn't want the job, but she is doing a great job so I know I'm not walking into a mess.
My experience working in the Latino community for several years, my marketing experience with Company X and my own company, my MBA, and now my internal knowledge of the organization is making me think I might have a shot. I may be completely off base, but I am very excited to have the chance to even interview for something like this. It's not every day you can say that you even got the chance to interview for an Executive Director position, even if they don't hire me!

Lately I have been struggling with my professional mission in life. Is it to be rich? The owner of a successful company? A professor? Well, I had a chance to have a long talk with myself on Friday driving back home to see the family. I talked myself through the self-doubt, the insecurity, the potential lack of preparedness and told myself "no". I have been hired for jobs that I wasn't qualified for before and I lived to talk about it. I do worry that an entire organization would be on my shoulders, but at the same time I have dreamed about shaping and growing an organization for a while now. To be able to take our budget and triple or quadruple it over the next few years is something I know I can do. It will be my sole mission to be on the ground, beating the pavement, getting in the ears of the rich and influential to make this dream come true. I will be working to increase self-efficacy for the Latino community and once I realized that, it all made sense. Sure I left for a few years, but the experience I gained in the corporate world only goes to prepare me for this job.

Now that I've said all that, I hope I don't have to come back and tell you they laughed at me in the interview, but I'll keep you posted. I can visualize myself as a leader, little by little everyday it's becoming real to me.

I'm exhausted, but at peace with my decision.

What Else?

Life ebbs...it flows, and sometimes you gotta pick up a long board and ride that mf'in tidal wave to the ground.
Got told today that there are no available classes to teach next semester but there may be some in the fall...so I know that 1 of my 3 jobs is a no go after December.

So here I am, looking for a job.

Again.

This time I am going to try to find one with some permanence. I mean, I knew there was a risk involved when I signed up so I'm not devastated by any means but it's just the tediousness of it all. I am grateful that this job got me through the interim and will look great on my resume no matter what.

So what's next for Miss Marketing business owner/Professor/Deputy Director of a non-profit part time on Tuesdays and Thursdays you ask? Well, that remains to be seen. I am applying for a job I'm not qualified for at all, but I know I could do it. Plus, there are only two other viable applicants so I've got at least a 33.3% chance. It wouldn't be the first time I got a job I wasn't qualified for based on my likeability and killer smile. Kidding! Do I sound like Sarah Palin? I sure hope so! (For all you newcomers that was a JOKE.)
Seriously though, I'm switching between writing this and working on my resume and it's all coming together for me. I do need to know how to maintain superhero energy and still be able to clean my house, take care of my husband and have a social life....hmmm...not sure about that one! I realized that over the past 9 years I've actually accomplished some things! Nice to know...

Sed de alma a veces se confunde con el deseo.
Sed de cuerpo a veces se confunde con el corazon.
Negar la negacion de lo negativo en tu vida- no te confundas...ya te jodiste.
Algo me dice que esta vez sera diferente, que he logrado un nuevo modo de resistir mi naturaleza.
Entre anhelos encendidos y recuerdos medio amargos, todavia no se quien carajo soy yo.

How Important is Touch?

I have recently come upon the realization that in order for me to accept the choices I have made in life, there are certain things I will have to do without. For reasons I won't go into here, one of those things I am giving up for an indefinite period of time is physical affection. Sure, I could wrestle with the fact that I am without it and complain to the people who should give it to me, but alas I would find myself exactly where I was a year ago, and that is something I will not do. So my resolution is to not frustrate myself with such expectations and find joy in other things in life. I have become quite autonomous, I might add and my fixation on things I don't have has waned quite a bit over the past few months.
Now, as proud as I am of myself for this new found self-control, I started thinking about the actual scientific NEED for human touch. Will I be like a malnourished infant if I go much longer? Will I begin to develop a calcium deficiency or antisocial behaviors? What happens to adults who go without touch? I suppose there are a number of routes I could go down, but the one I'm currently on involves me being thrown into my work and home projects.
One thing about being an adult that I am learning with great relief is the less dependent you are on other people for things like reassurance and affection, the less likely you are to get disappointed.
You all may be scoffing at my Brothers Grimm take on life right now, but I have been on the other end of the fairytale where you wake and sleep and all you can think about it what you don't have. It's the quickest way to drown in self-pity and terminal dissatisfaction; two things that will drive you to your misery without fail. As for me, I finally came to terms with my choices both positive and negative. Life never grows at the speed you want it to, so you must adapt for the day at hand.
Do I miss touch? Absolutely. Not a night goes by where I don't close my eyes and hold my own hands or stroke my own hip imagining it were someone else. Do I sound like a sorry loser? Probably. Do I feel sorry for myself? Nope. This is the point in life that God is teaching me something, and if I don't learn it, it will have been a lost opportunity.

~TT~

Penchant for Pain

Change for the better is not like you have always heard.
It happens, it fails, and you are left with emptiness.
You try again, get up, put on a smile and change your point of view....

And still nothing.

You're starving for a sign, a corneal brightening that could wake you, but the darkness succeeds.
Thirst
Is not the longing but the absence of hydration.
You wish it would rain so your skin could drink even if your soul stays parched

So you cry and lap up the tears- salt and all.

Nueva Luz, Nueva Vista

This weekend I cleaned out, deconstructed and rebuilt my home office. I went through 8 years of papers, junk, pictures, albums, etc. and finally got things to a manageable level. I found a check for $1,700 that I had forgotten about (don't ask me how!) and now I know how I'm going to buy an imac this week. I am hanging art, filing bills, creating files for my marketing business, and I can see the floor and the walls. My printer is now within arm's reach, and my record player is in full working order. I've been crooned by the Isley Brothers, driven to tears by Tierra, taken back in time by Lionel Ritchie and The Dramatics, and now I'm winding down to Shakira and Victor Manuelle on CD. I've compacted, feng shuied, and stacked my life in this office. I feel clean, functional, and ready to get down to business, no matter what it might be. I've got my Asian pinup girl illustrations (nothing lewd, my girl Jenni is an artist and I bought some of her prints), I've got my Wonder Woman collector's plate polished up and ready to hang, and I'm going to see if the 8-track is compatible with my stereo.
I can actually say I know where everything is now and I have an incredible sense of calm and accomplishment right now. As a creative person (you all know) I have to be "struck" by inspiration to take on something as tedious as cleaning and organization. You may wonder how I was driven to it- I actually went out and bought the stuff to hang my art with, and once I rearranged the furniture and hung up art, I was compelled to shred 8,000 lbs of paper to do my sanctuary justice.

Order follows art, at least in my world.

Carolina, on my mind.
Lazy lilacs, sweeping time.
Mr. Gator Man, tip your hat my way.
What I wouldn't do for a Carolina day.

Adriana Lima

OK,
So I'm not usually this bochinchera....but read below:

En abril de este año, provocando una revolución entre sus millones de admiradores, confesó en una comentada entrevista con la revista GQ que era virgen. “El sexo es para después del matrimonio”, explicó, “y si un hombre está conmigo, debe respetar mi elección. Si no hay respeto, significa que no me desea”.
Esta revelación, viniendo de una mujer que ha visto su nombre aparecer frecuentemente en Page Six junto al de famosos Don Juanes como Lenny Kravitz y Derek Jeter, no dejó de causar sorpresa y uno que otro comentario. Pero Adriana da poca importancia a lo que piensen los demás y hace, en cambio, grandes esfuerzos para mantener su vida privada, privada.

***If this is indeed true...WOW. What an incredible show of fortitude on her part. Read the whole article here:

http://www.oceandriveespanol.com/hybrid/features/cover/index.html

Last Thoughts From Tuesday the 30th

Today was an interesting day. After being laid up and useless for a few days, I have regained my strength and inspiration 20-fold. I started the day off right with an Iced Grande Liquid Oppression, skim milk, 2 Splenda. Had the superdelish low fat turkey bacon breakfast sammich, and off I went to the office in the 'hood.

Here's a little bit about my professional climate as of now:

Monday, Wednesday, and Friday I play marketing professor at the University.
Tuesday and Thursday I play deputy director at the nonprofit.
Every single day I play the small business owner tryin' to rub 2 nickels together to make a dub.

I love my crazy life right now. I am getting ready to paint several rooms in my house, FINALLY clean my office, and deal with this bloody IRS crap that has me thinking I'd rather be riding a porcupine buck nekked in a South Carolina hail storm than to deal with it.

That said, I got my first paycheck(s) today. I have been working 3 and 4 jobs for about 6 weeks and this is the first skrilla I've seen. Now, although I am paying off the bills, I did take my happy butt to IKEA and bought that full-length, dark-wood framed floor mirror I've been talking about for 2 years. It used to be $299 but it ws $99 today and don't you KNOW I hooked that bad boy up on the handtruck. It stands right in the entry way to my house so I can do the booty check right before I leave the house in the morning...nothing better than that.

I also went ahead and bought a new office chair that is minimalist, white, and perfect because it's not too comfortable so it will inspire me to get my work done faster so I can get off my booty and do something besides work and play on the computer.

I also bought one of those plastic mats that goes underneath the roller chair so I can push myself away from the desk when I've won a battle with a victorious "YESH!" and the chair will actually roll backwards instead of giving me carpet burn and whiplash at the same time.

Oooh- also picked up some paint swatches from the store today so I can start designing my oficina.

Life is good, we're in business, and I hope to have my website up by mid-November.

Signing off,

Dirty, Dirty, Businesswoman.

Placid

I walk- you watch me, not a word exchanged.
You breathe- I catch you, and the walls are screaming change.
Your weakness- my flesh cries, and our ties are rearranged.

The comfort of consistency is stronger than any love story could bellow.

Gorgeous Calm

The assuring hum of the refrigerator, the remote at my side like a taser, the fluid depth of the wood floors staring back at me, independent films, cup of coffee, whimsical kitchen disarray...

Yes folks, it's Sunday afternoon alone at the house.

I love these days. I sink deep into my corner of the L-shaped couch and my dreams; multiple internet tabs awaiting exploration.

I don't want a phone call, a knock on the door, or an interruption of this steady flow of procrastination.

I think about all the things I should do like go for a run, clean up the office, correct papers, etc. Instead I sit and create without an accomplishment to speak of. I both hate and love these days. I know I have time yet I waste it. I almost feel afraid of accomplishment...there are all these things waiting and yet I don't face them.
The fact is, I find great comfort in these looming tasks...like there is always someone waiting for me when I get home. I don't know how to handle continuous mediocrity, I can only find satisfaction in low lows and drastic makeovers so everyone, including myself will be amazed at how much I was able to change the situation.
I envy people who can keep a steady flow of order and upkeep in their lives. The kinds of people who have a task, don't fear it, and face it head on. The kinds of people who get things DONE. I think I could be one of those people, but instead I hide behind a curtain of unobtainable perfection.

It looms and the fear becomes greater than the task at hand.

Haterade Masks Fear?

Truth time. Since 2004 I have gained 20 lbs and I finally made a commitment this week to lose it. For a few years, I have hidden behind stress, overcommitment, and a million other excuses why I didn't stay in shape. However, little by little I started worrying. I worried I would lose too much weight, sell out to the white boys who wouldn't give me the time of day because I was too thick, or worse- I wouldn't snap necks when I walked by. I never wanted to be one of those proportionate, non-descript women who although pretty, didn't have any outstanding physical attributes.
I honestly have never been able to figure out why men (white, brown, and black alike- don't front, you all know you look) dig women shaped like this:



Or this:




Or the WORST- looked like this from behind:


When I was growing up, these women were the antithesis to everything I was: curvy, rhythmic, strong, thick and ethnic.

Not fat, thick.

I know I have never really been "too skinny", but in my world, by what my standards of beauty determine, I am scared that I will lose my inertia...that my soul will escape through the melting process of my hips and thighs and I will cease to enjoy life. Would I lose my faithful fan base of Brothas and Latinos who although just as likely to take Jaime Pressly to bed, wouldn't have her on their arm in public....?

I love the love, but I know I'm not good where I'm at.

As I lose the outer weight, I will continue to gauge my inner weight, and if I start feeling the scale tipping too far to the Scary Side, I will stop. I may never be ideal by the world's standards, but the older I get, the less important those standards are. I want to look good in a swimsuit, but I want to HAVE a hip:waist ratio....I've never NOT had one, even at my thinnest, but after so many years of safety behind my thickness label, I'm scared. I feel like I will be losing a part of myself and what's left will be nothing more than acceptable to white America.

My identity will no longer be "thick girl", but "fit" and sometimes that can be really boring because there are no longer any extremities to gawk at.

Sanctification

Gotta clean out my life.

Gotta make a new start.

Gotta do the right thing.

Can't keep running to wrong and away from right.

Gotta face my fears.

It won't be easy, but it's what's best in God's eyes.

Enigmatic Conscience

Here's my question. When you have hit rock bottom in your life before and come out of it alive why do you fall back down as soon as things get better?

How strong do you have to be to withstand the emptiness, the bone-chilling, soul-grating thunder?

I need to know. I need to know how to be able to stand up against the storm, to fill the void when cyclonic winds suck the life right out of me.

I want warmth to lift me out of the gravitational abyss...to melt my eyes into a honeycomb and make me see only you.

Sweet, dulce amorcito...there was a time you danced your way into my heart.

But, somehow over time you lost your rhythm and now you just stomp.

Todo Chueco

Sometimes simplicity is the essence of all things beautiful

Sometimes a child's tear can wage war in the hearts of men

Won't you listen?

Oh won't you listen?

I see you

I see you watching- not quite like you used to, but you're present nonetheless. So many posts, both visible and invisible have been inspired, dedicated, and loved by you. It's been almost 7 months since I was catapulted into the air a day early and you...you never thought I would be here. There are times when I can't believe I was ever there, and times when Adam's Morgan come careening into my conscience like an anvil between my open lips.
I can't believe it, yet somewhere, far and off to the atmosphere there still breathes a slight love and I'm scared to say it.

Saturday Night

It was Saturday night, the boorish April rain pelted the window screen and she danced alone. She played the “Música Urbana” station, a mix of reggaeton, Latin hip-hop and bachata. As the high-pitched guitar from Aventura’s latest cut peeled away her inner-sanctum, she held her arms out and fantasized about the perfect dance partner moving with her body in totally synchronized serpentine motion. She had danced like this before in real life, but tonight she only simulated. Bachata was one of those Latino country music styles that had made its way into the New York ‘hood and been revolutionized by Dominicans who didn’t ride horses or work in a sugar cane field. They were the slick, s-curled or Caesar-cut cats that possessed the perfect mélange of thuggery and finesse, and they could talk their way right into her soul. She wasn’t sure what it was, but there was something different about Dominican men, something that Puerto Ricans and Cubans just couldn’t muster. Maybe it was their accent, maybe it was the authority in their tone of voice when they spoke Spanish, but have one of them whisper a “pero si tú cocinas como bailas mami, Diablo, ta’ to’” and she was through.

Tonight she felt emptier than usual. Parched with neglect, she literally saw a mirage of this fantasy tigre. The way he looked at her, the hunger in his eyes, it consumed her just as much as she wanted to be consumed. She told herself it was a good thing she didn’t go to the club with her girls tonight, because she could have very easily been kidnapped. She pulled the air in towards her with both arms imagining him pressed up against her, his hands guiding her by the small of her back. As she enveloped herself in this fantasy, she started to cry. She held on to the air even tighter as the tears poured down her face, but she never stopped dancing. She felt a release of her soul, a relief that she had inspired this much affection in a man, if only in her dreams. She felt that she had built up enough rapport with him that it was time to let him know just how it could be if he let her into his bed. As the rhythm accelerated to a reggaeton beat, her movement was born from the rapid shimmy in her hips but flourished throughout her whole body, as if an underground spring was watering a 1,000 year old oak. She turned a 180 so he could see the fullness of her hips and thighs as they shook with a mind of their own. She imagined him filled with lust coming up behind her as she playfully pulled away and faced him, waving a “no-no” finger in his face. She would gauge from how amusing he thought she was whether she would give him her phone number or not.

Suddenly, her adorable yet tragic fantasy was interrupted by the land line.

“Hello?”

“You ever gonna answer your phone?”

“Sorry, I had the music on loud, I was cleaning and I-“

“Yeah, ok. Did you get that stuff done like I asked you to?”

“No, I didn’t have time today. I’ll get it tomorrow.”

“Crystalo, I asked you to do it today so it would get done TODAY. Not tomorrow, not next week, TODAY. Do you ever listen to anything I ask you to do? No. You just go on and do your own thing as always. Listen, I gotta get back to work, I’ll talk to you later.”

“I’m sorry, I just….well, I love you and I’ll see you when you get home”

“Yeah, love you too. I gotta go.”

She hung up the phone a little shaken, and suddenly her desire to dance and be desired disappeared and she turned off the music, took out a cigarette and smoked it on the back porch. As she pulled the sleeves of her brown hoody over her hands, she thought about how beautiful the moon looked through the mist and carbon monoxide fumes. She had learned how to be numb to this type of thing because if she ever admitted how miserable she was, she would have to pack up and leave.

Sensitivity Analysis

I'm not sure what's been going on with me lately, but I have been unhealthily obsessed with my relationships to other people. I have been worried that they don't like me, they think I'm stupid, lazy, and a No Talent Ass Clown. Where do these voices come from? I know I have been laying low for the past few months, not maximizing my spare time, and taking time to watch more TV than any one human being should watch in their lifetime...so I don't think my paranoia is completely unfounded.
What I need to come to grips with is having a healthy balance of caring about what other people think to the point where I'm not completely offending and pissing everyone off, but not caring so much that it consumes me to the point of debilitation.
What my problem is, I fear failure so much that I don't try as hard and end up being mediocre. This wasn't me 3 years ago. 3 years ago I was a fearless pre-exec with nothing but enthusiasm and a dream. Once I landed the dream job, I met some failures, some successes, and ultimately I left because my education and marriage was on the rocks.
I was able to save my marriage and my education is almost over, so why do I still feel like a loser? Not sure. I know I have found a job in which my strengths, talents, and creativity will have close to infinite possibilities. I will be working for a Catholic University in which I am held to high moral and ethical standards, my children's education will be free at any one of the Jesuit universities around the country including Notre Dame, I will be able to expose students to new knowledge, ideas, and challenge them to be productive, conscientious members of society. I love my new job even though it hasn't started yet.
I am tired of living in fear of the people who think I will fail. Maybe they do and maybe they don't, but I have to be able to articulate my vision and execute it. I thought at one time that I wanted to be a marketing manager for Company X, but that is no longer where I want to be. I could be making twice what I'm going to make as a university instructor, but my quality of life is too important; to know that at 31 is priceless. I am making this decision early on in my life and career so that I can continue to reinforce it time and time again to myself and my children when I have them.
Once again, God has presented me with a career that directly incorporates self-discovery both for myself and for my constituents. I took a strengths assessment for the class I will be teaching and here they are:

STRATEGIC

The Strategic theme enables you to sort through the clutter and find the best route. It is not a skill that can be taught. It is a distinct way of thinking, a special perspective on the world at large. This perspective allows you to see patterns where others simply see complexity. Mindful of these patterns, you play out alternative scenarios, always asking, “What if this happened? Okay, well what if this happened?” This recurring question helps you see around the next corner. There you can evaluate accurately the potential obstacles. Guided by where you see each path leading, you start to make selections. You discard the paths that lead nowhere. You discard the paths that lead straight into resistance. You discard the paths that lead into a fog of confusion. You cull and make selections until you arrive at the chosen path—your strategy. Armed with your strategy, you strike forward. This is your Strategic theme at work: “What if?” Select. Strike.

INPUT

You are inquisitive. You collect things. You might collect information—words, facts, books, and quotations—or you might collect tangible objects such as butterflies, baseball cards, porcelain dolls, or sepia photographs. Whatever you collect, you collect it because it interests you. And yours is the kind of mind that finds so many things interesting. The world is exciting precisely because of its infinite variety and complexity. If you read a great deal, it is not necessarily to refine your theories but, rather, to add more information to your archives. If you like to travel, it is because each new location offers novel artifacts and facts. These can be acquired and then stored away. Why are they worth storing? At the time of storing it is often hard to say exactly when or why you might need them, but who knows when they might become useful? With all those possible uses in mind, you really don’t feel comfortable throwing anything away. So you keep acquiring and compiling and filing stuff away. It’s interesting. It keeps your mind fresh. And perhaps one day some of it will prove valuable.

ACTIVATOR

“When can we start?” This is a recurring question in your life. You are impatient for action. You may concede that analysis has its uses or that debate and discussion can occasionally yield some valuable insights, but deep down you know that only action is real. Only action can make things happen. Only action leads to performance. Once a decision is made, you cannot not act. Others may worry that “there are still some things we don’t know,” but this doesn’t seem to slow you. If the decision has been made to go across town, you know that the fastest way to get there is to go stoplight to stoplight. You are not going to sit around waiting until all the lights have turned green. Besides, in your view, action and thinking are not opposites. In fact, guided by your Activator theme, you believe that action is the best device for learning. You make a decision, you take action, you look at the result, and you learn. This learning informs your next action and your next. How can you grow if you have nothing to react to? Well, you believe you can’t. You must put yourself out there. You must take the next step. It is the only way to keep your thinking fresh and informed. The bottom line is this: You know you will be judged not by what you say, not by what you think, but by what you get done. This does not frighten you. It pleases you.

COMMUNICATION

You like to explain, to describe, to host, to speak in public, and to write. This is your Communication theme at work. Ideas are a dry beginning. Events are static. You feel a need to bring them to life, to energize them, to make them exciting and vivid. And so you turn events into stories and practice telling them. You take the dry idea and enliven it with images and examples and metaphors. You believe that most people have a very short attention span. They are bombarded by information, but very little of it survives. You want your information—whether an idea, an event, a product’s features and benefits, a discovery, or a lesson—to survive. You want to divert their attention toward you and then capture it, lock it in. This is what drives your hunt for the perfect phrase. This is what draws you toward dramatic words and powerful word combinations. This is why people like to listen to you. Your word pictures pique their interest, sharpen their world, and inspire them to act.

INDIVIDUALIZATION

Your Individualization theme leads you to be intrigued by the unique qualities of each person. You are impatient with generalizations or “types” because you don’t want to obscure what is special and distinct about each person. Instead, you focus on the differences between individuals. You instinctively observe each person’s style, each person’s motivation, how each thinks, and how each builds relationships. You hear the one-of-a-kind stories in each person’s life. This theme explains why you pick your friends just the right birthday gift, why you know that one person prefers praise in public and another detests it, and why you tailor your teaching style to accommodate one person’s need to be shown and another’s desire to “figure it out as I go.” Because you are such a keen observer of other people’s strengths, you can draw out the best in each person. This Individualization theme also helps you build productive teams. While some search around for the perfect team “structure” or “process,” you know instinctively that the secret to great teams is casting by individual strengths so that everyone can do a lot of what they do well.

OK, I feel better now.

~Tremenda Trigueña~

Adventures in Mixology

So....during the interim between school (a week and a half left of the MBA program thank you!) and back to work, I decided to break out the martini shaker and the high ball once again and get behind the bar. I am working in a Mexican restaurant with people I like and trust which makes it a little less bleak...but in the meantime I couldn't control myself and I let my creative spirits (pun intended) go to work. As we have an exhaustive selection of tequila that range from $3.50 to $45 a shot, I have extended my palate to appreciate the forbidden cactus nectar...to the point without vomiting. Here are a couple that I invented in my strokes of brilliance as I like to call them: (please don't ask for exact measurements, I don't believe in or keep track of them)

La Abuelita
Pour the following ingredients over 1 scoop ice in a martini shaker:

• 1- 1 1/2 shots Cazadores reposado tequila
• 1/2 shot (or so) of cacao liquer
• 1/2 shot (or so) of Frangelico or other hazelnut liquer
• Splash of half and half
• 2 dashes of cinnamon powder

Shake vigorously for 15-20 seconds, serve up in martini glass.

Frambuayarita
Pour the following ingredients over 1 scoop ice in a martini shaker:

• 1 1/2 shots Tequila Mayor reposado
• 1/2 shot Cointreau
• Splash simple syrup (or rock candy syrup)
• 1 shot sweet and sour mix
• Juice from 1/4 lime
• 1 oz papaya puree
• 1 oz raspberry puree
• Splash orange juice

Shake vigorously for 15-20 seconds, remove cover and serve on the rocks in chilled pint glass. If you don't happen to have raspberry and papaya puree lying around the house, buy frozen papaya and raspberries, try to defrost them beforehand but if you're in an alcoholic frenzy puree them in the blender with all ingredients before pouring over ice.

That's it! Let me know if you try either one...if you're not into tequila these would work equally as well with light or dark rum.

-TT-

I AM

I am a writer.

Words are my paintbrush, paper my canvas.

I am an artist.

I speak and strokes of light shine through the carousel of your mind.

I am art.

From the form of my hips to the shadows of my eyelids, I am a walking, loving, vibing watercolor.

I am a spirit.

I have a purpose that is greater than the earth below my feet. I am connected to you, to Him, to me.

I AM.

I don't know about you, but I'm damned proud of myself

I am almost done. It's so close I can taste, smell, feel, see, dream it. I got an A in Finance and I've just got one more class to go.

Tremenda Trigueña, MBA.

Not only that, but I have just accepted an adjunct professorship at the university I attend. Yes, they hired ME to teach Marketing and Business. I am so ecstatic, and I will still have time to do consulting projects on the side. For the record- it ain't the University of Phoenix; it's one of the top 5 universities in the region and one of only 2 accredited B-schools in the area (hence why I went there).

In addition, I was just elected to the Board of Directors of a non-profit and I plan on helping them make A LOT of money so they can expand and pay people what they're worth.

One last thing: I finally started my own marketing and design business. I have an official business license and 2 whole clients. Our own branding is in the works, and although I won't publish the URL here, you'll be hearing snippets of our successes, challenges, and most certainly our adventures.

I got my fire back, and this time I have something to show for it.

-TT

Art is Dead

Keyboards are my paintbrush. Words are my acrylic and my watercolor. When painters produce cynical, controversial works of art they are praised for their complexity and vision. When I write the balanced truth, I am labeled a menace and a harlot. I am exhausted and drilled down. I need a healthy space in which to produce and express my art, but words are a commodity to be tossed in and out. Words hurt people. Words invoke jealous rages, bestial cries of betrayal, and finally tortured silences.
A word can put you on a plane. A word can scare you. A word can brand your self-worth and make you question your very existence.

A word is a sentence.

Yo me Acuerdo...

How ironic...

Gotta Let it Out

I'm stressed. I am in an incredible financial bind with no immediate way out. I had an interview for a job that was great but didn't pay enough, so now I don't think I should have turned it down. I am so stressed right now I could scream. I can't pay my bills and even though I'm almost done with school I don't have a promising job prospect. God- I know I should be thankful but this has me insanely anxious and I can't sleep. I am going to do whatever it takes- it's Holy Week, I can't go to any of the services this week because I have class when they're going on, I need to finish my final presentations and papers and then...? I already put out a feeler to be a bartender but I need to SLEEP tonight.
Lord have mercy, Lord have mercy, Lord have mercy. God please hear my plea- you are the only one I can trust to get me through this...I am so stressed right now I can't see straight. I have to have faith, I have to have faith...I HAVE to have faith. Focus your energy...calm your spirit. No recruiter is going to call you at 12:20 am...you have to sleep tonight so you can get it together tomorrow...God's got your back.

Purpose

Why do we do what we do? Why do we spend 21 years in school, get the title, buy the house, and keep. on. schlepping. What is our purpose? I know as much as I talk about my spiritual rediscovery that I should know the answer but I don't. I'm sitting here and I know I should be helping someone or cleaning the house or something...but I feel purposeless today. I am so close to getting done with school and I have no idea what the hell I'm doing. I know I may get a job but I also may lose my marriage. What, then would be the point of it all? I just wish I had some sort of insight into what my life could be like at least in the next year.
Will I be a barren female executive or will I be a mediocre corporate goon with 2.2 kids and a house in the suburbs?
It's funny- the thing that I fought so hard for is now a particle in the abyss...

Just a dark Saturday night, and no I haven't been drinking.

-TT

Estoy Cansada...

Llegue al fin del día y todo lo que siento es un tremendo sueño del alma. He estado llorando y arrepetiendo por semanas y semanas y ya me canse. Estoy perdiendo oportunidades por un sueño que a lo mejor no se va a realizar. Pero...tengo que mantenerme enfocada por que estoy luchando tan fuerte y es por que es lo correcto. En fin, si nos separamos o no, sabría que trate con todo lo que pude. Las oportunidades siempre van a estar. El dinero y la fama no vale mas que ganar la batalla mas importante de mi vida. Me tengo que recordar de eso...siempre.

Buenas,

-TT-

MBA Back in the House!

Yeah, so I know I've been talking an awful lot about sin, forgiveness, spiritual cleansing and the like, but today I am on a different note...a little more vain/less humble one.

So as you know oooh so many years ago I started my MBA...well folks, it's almost done. I started this journey back in August 2005 and I will be completely done on July 30th 2008. I am walking in the graduation ceremony on May 4th and I get to wear the fancy robe with the hood and drapy V-neck thingy. I am absolutely amazed at how long it's taken but quite frankly it flew by.

So as a close-to-be MBA grad, I started putting it out there, the résumé, the cover letters, etc. I've gotten a call from my former employer about a position but it didn't pay nearly what I am looking to earn upon graduation. The funny thing about it is it pays exactly what I was making before when I thought I was a millionaire!

And then it started happening...I've gotten several calls/emails for financial advising/insurance scam jobs which we all know anyone can do if they're money-hungry enough and like to rip off old people.

But then I got a call from a very promising employer today who saw my résumé online and although it's located about 3 hours north of me, it's an incredible opportunity that I might be able to work out for the right price.
I would be reporting directly to the COO of the company and would have WAY more responsibility that ever before...but they called ME and I gotta answer the call.

I think I can do this. I wasn't qualified for the last dream job on paper but I sure did get hired. The great news is I'll be DONE with school completely and not have a million other responsibilities hanging over my head so I can travel, commute, dance, sing, or whatever other carnival tricks necessary to get the job done right.

It's coming back and I can feel it.

-TT-

Spring Cleansing

It is the 4th week of Orthodox Christian Lent and it's getting serious, folks. The fast is going fine, but my spirit is fighting. When I pray, I feel angst. I weep from a place I didn't know existed and it's physically painful. I ask God to give me peace, and I actually slept ok last night. I am truly having to wipe away all the grit and grime that has built up in my soul for the past 31 years.
I have a lot of work to do, and I want to get to a place in which I am truly hungering and thirsting for righteousness.

Forgiveness is key. Forgiving others, forgiving myself, and giving all up to God. I am finally realizing that I cannot change other people, and why should I worry about them? I have plenty of work to do on myself. If I were to focus on cleaning out my own sin and shortcomings, I wouldn't have a second left in the day to worry about what others are doing wrong.
Realizing that I am weak and susceptible to falling is another thing that I must come to terms with. No matter how good we think we are, we can always be better. We all fall short of the glory of God, and I continue to search for how to be closer to Him. He reveals things to me everyday, but the more I know, the more He reveals.

I continue to relinquish my power to God, admit my own weakness and lack of control over things in my marriage, my family, my career, my education, and my friendships. I had a tear-stained prayer last night in which I not only cried for mercy, but professed my heart-felt love for God the Father. He is waiting with open arms to carry us home no matter what we've done. I ran away from Him for so many years because I was afraid of his judgment. The feeling of guilt is a sin. The feeling of sorrow is what we should feel when we repent. Sorrow for hurting God, sorrow for sinning against ourselves, and sorrow for separation from the Holy Spirit.
I am in the process of learning the meaning of humility. There is still so much to learn, and I hope I never feel satisfied with what I know. Through sadness comes joy. Joy of love from the Living God, joy of returning home, joy of no more running.

I was running and He literally picked me up and took me home- by air. I remember the day so vividly, it started a process of great remorse and self-realization. Admitting you have done wrong is only the beginning. Blocking out the voices of rationalization for sin is a whole other feat. We can justify absolutely everything we do. We can cite other people responsible, or claim we just weren't strong enough, or it was something we "had to do", and God will understand. He will always take us back, but there are serious consequences to our actions.

I may lose what I hold most dear to my heart. I am finally at a point of trying to grow up and stop chasing the wind. The wind changes its mind whenever it feels like it with no consequences...but I cannot be the wind, I can only feel it. I am to stop listening to the voices that the wind carries, for they too come and go.

I need a firm foundation and it must be able to stand up to breezes, gusts, and tornadoes. I am constantly being tested. I am tested by my own mind, my friends, my family, and perfect strangers. The more open I am with God, the more aware I will be of the tests and how to combat them.

I used to think that opportunities to sin would be obvious and direct, but they aren't. They are often gradual, presenting themselves as benevolent and even Godly. Question everything- those who claim to be "good people" those who claim to be "moral and ethical"...no one will ever tell you the pain they are in because often they have no idea. Do not compromise your morals or values for another person because you feel they need you. God will take care of them better than you ever could.

Infidel

Infidel
Banished to Sub-Saharan exile, you call on your Bedouin spirits for salvation
Blood thickened from dehydration you cry out for your Father, He hears but a whisper.
Where once a mighty palace lay, now but shards of glass, your spirit is a shambles.

Love Me.

But I do.

LOVE ME.

I thought I did.

Love ME above all others.

I shall.

Forgiveness is seeing others that have forsaken you as God sees them...today, over Stella Artois I saw you. I let you go. Your 5 year old spirit that was banished into denial is still there 20 years later and I forgive you. You know not what you do, and you may never know.

Those who believe they are spreading good because they can't see evil are....who I once loved.

Today they are who I grieve

To forgive someone is to think of that person without an emotional reaction and for the first time I could think of you and you didn't burden my peace.

Fly, and the angels will catch you.

May His Wings of Solitude take you home.

Life in a shell

Well here I am a month after the debacle and I'm still standing. Head down, hands folded, but on my feet nonetheless. I have been broken beyond belief and I continue to be broken everyday. I am in a real life nightmare of my own doing and there is nothing to do but pray and ask the Lord for mercy.
I have spent the past 2 years struggling with my identity, my faith, and my marriage. I have made choices and ignored my heart to the point of making grave mistakes that can never be undone. I sit here a changed woman. I sit here a humbled, broken, faith-driven woman. When God wants you back and you fight Him every step of the way, let me tell you: He will do it by any means necessary.
I may or may have not gone beyond reproach. I do know I took something beautiful and I ruined it. I took a miracle and I spat upon it. I took something sacred and I desecrated it. I want to go back to before January 31st and cancel the trip. I want to go back to September 12th and listen to my priest. I want to end this nightmare but instead I have to fess up and face the music like a grown woman. I will not play the victim. I will not make excuses. I will not believe that I deserve anything. I will ask for God's grace and mercy to abound because at this point that's the only thing that can save me; in fact it always has been.
It takes a travesty to put you in your place. It takes a near loss of everything you love to wake you up out of your selfish slumber. It takes a 3rd degree burn to get you to take your hand out of the fire and even when the pain is gone, the scar is there for the world to see.

Kirie lei son, kirie lei son, kirie lei son. Lord have mercy.