Life in a shell

Well here I am a month after the debacle and I'm still standing. Head down, hands folded, but on my feet nonetheless. I have been broken beyond belief and I continue to be broken everyday. I am in a real life nightmare of my own doing and there is nothing to do but pray and ask the Lord for mercy.
I have spent the past 2 years struggling with my identity, my faith, and my marriage. I have made choices and ignored my heart to the point of making grave mistakes that can never be undone. I sit here a changed woman. I sit here a humbled, broken, faith-driven woman. When God wants you back and you fight Him every step of the way, let me tell you: He will do it by any means necessary.
I may or may have not gone beyond reproach. I do know I took something beautiful and I ruined it. I took a miracle and I spat upon it. I took something sacred and I desecrated it. I want to go back to before January 31st and cancel the trip. I want to go back to September 12th and listen to my priest. I want to end this nightmare but instead I have to fess up and face the music like a grown woman. I will not play the victim. I will not make excuses. I will not believe that I deserve anything. I will ask for God's grace and mercy to abound because at this point that's the only thing that can save me; in fact it always has been.
It takes a travesty to put you in your place. It takes a near loss of everything you love to wake you up out of your selfish slumber. It takes a 3rd degree burn to get you to take your hand out of the fire and even when the pain is gone, the scar is there for the world to see.

Kirie lei son, kirie lei son, kirie lei son. Lord have mercy.