Haterade Masks Fear?

Truth time. Since 2004 I have gained 20 lbs and I finally made a commitment this week to lose it. For a few years, I have hidden behind stress, overcommitment, and a million other excuses why I didn't stay in shape. However, little by little I started worrying. I worried I would lose too much weight, sell out to the white boys who wouldn't give me the time of day because I was too thick, or worse- I wouldn't snap necks when I walked by. I never wanted to be one of those proportionate, non-descript women who although pretty, didn't have any outstanding physical attributes.
I honestly have never been able to figure out why men (white, brown, and black alike- don't front, you all know you look) dig women shaped like this:



Or this:




Or the WORST- looked like this from behind:


When I was growing up, these women were the antithesis to everything I was: curvy, rhythmic, strong, thick and ethnic.

Not fat, thick.

I know I have never really been "too skinny", but in my world, by what my standards of beauty determine, I am scared that I will lose my inertia...that my soul will escape through the melting process of my hips and thighs and I will cease to enjoy life. Would I lose my faithful fan base of Brothas and Latinos who although just as likely to take Jaime Pressly to bed, wouldn't have her on their arm in public....?

I love the love, but I know I'm not good where I'm at.

As I lose the outer weight, I will continue to gauge my inner weight, and if I start feeling the scale tipping too far to the Scary Side, I will stop. I may never be ideal by the world's standards, but the older I get, the less important those standards are. I want to look good in a swimsuit, but I want to HAVE a hip:waist ratio....I've never NOT had one, even at my thinnest, but after so many years of safety behind my thickness label, I'm scared. I feel like I will be losing a part of myself and what's left will be nothing more than acceptable to white America.

My identity will no longer be "thick girl", but "fit" and sometimes that can be really boring because there are no longer any extremities to gawk at.