Sunday, September 21, 2008

Gorgeous Calm

The assuring hum of the refrigerator, the remote at my side like a taser, the fluid depth of the wood floors staring back at me, independent films, cup of coffee, whimsical kitchen disarray...

Yes folks, it's Sunday afternoon alone at the house.

I love these days. I sink deep into my corner of the L-shaped couch and my dreams; multiple internet tabs awaiting exploration.

I don't want a phone call, a knock on the door, or an interruption of this steady flow of procrastination.

I think about all the things I should do like go for a run, clean up the office, correct papers, etc. Instead I sit and create without an accomplishment to speak of. I both hate and love these days. I know I have time yet I waste it. I almost feel afraid of accomplishment...there are all these things waiting and yet I don't face them.
The fact is, I find great comfort in these looming tasks...like there is always someone waiting for me when I get home. I don't know how to handle continuous mediocrity, I can only find satisfaction in low lows and drastic makeovers so everyone, including myself will be amazed at how much I was able to change the situation.
I envy people who can keep a steady flow of order and upkeep in their lives. The kinds of people who have a task, don't fear it, and face it head on. The kinds of people who get things DONE. I think I could be one of those people, but instead I hide behind a curtain of unobtainable perfection.

It looms and the fear becomes greater than the task at hand.

2 comments:

Furious Moore said...

I feel u. I have days like that. But as much as they feel good they sometimes feel bad; bein' a Black man in this country means that a day "wasted" is equivalent to taking about 100 steps backward. Always on the hustle. But, truth be told, you have to learn to take those off days so you can maintain your sanity and health. The constant hustle is part of the reason the unofficial average life expectancy for brothas is 55.

Jesse Mendez said...

Hi Tremenda,
I ran into your site seeking blogs with the word DESIGN. Am definitely in the right place right now.

I sometimes wonder how those people do it. Perhaps it started for them at a very young age. But one thing in common is that they are all, as far as my biased mind can fathom, unhappy. The same is always true... constant competition for respect, or just attention. I have what I have and it is not what I would like, but I guess it is valuable, and in my space. I have my time alone. I also cherish it. I may not be a machine, but I am glad to be "unos de los que son lo que son..."

I extend to you an invitation to come and visit, and comment on my art blog.
Ciao!