Thursday, January 14, 2010


I feel aching in places I didn't know I owned. From my lymph nodes to- is that still my abdominals all the way up there? Shit. I feel it.
I am on a workout program and decided I need to cut weight quickly for some reason, so I'm trying this program called HIIT- High Intensity Interval Training. Basically you challenge your body with alternating sprints and jogs for 30 second intervals starting at 4 minutes the first week and ending up at 15 at the end of it.
Sound easy? When was the last time you sprinted?
Well, the fact of the matter is I'm 33 years old and haven't been in ideal shape since I was like 27....yeah, that's too long. I no longer have someone telling me they can't tell when my body changes or that I'm going to die from eating a sandwich too late at night so I have all the motivation in the world to go out there and get this ass beach ready before I dare check myself out in the Target dressing room mirror.
You know the ones- they make you want to jump off the highest bridge nearby because they reflect every flaw, every dimple and even create new ones! Effin Target...I have no idea why they engineer those mirrors to make you look so hideous, but if I can do the 360 view of myself naked in there and have not the slightest thought of taking my own life I will send my pictures to Playboy.

Now that's what I call an incentive. Bring it on 2010, you're gonna make a lovely bitch.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

2010 is NO Joke. has been over a year since we last met my darling, but alas here am I.
Burnt toast, scrape off the charcoal, smother in butter and grape jelly and there you have my life for the past 3 years. (Make sure to wash it down with 5 mimosas and some chicken apple sausage)

Here's where I stand today my juicy kumquats: MBA? Check. Divorce? In the works. House? I left it to him. Fast car? I still have it. Sanity? Oddly intact. Heart? On the mend.

33 years old, marriage is over, life is starting again and I am oddly optimistic. The pain of separation pales in comparison to the pungency of stale inertia.

God grant me the serenity and all the rest of those beautiful side dishes that go with it. I am ready for the call- it will be the sweetest answering service you've ever heard.