I miss him...

Today I cleaned out my jewelry box and found his baby ring...I also found the wedding ring he never wore. So many inconsistencies, too much pain to quantify. I wear the gold bracelet he gave me when we were dating, he was so sweet back then. I miss the days when love and hope lived under the same roof. Looking back though, I know that it was I who created the hope and made the love into something that should have never been. I believe he loved me as much as he could, and more than he had loved anyone before...unfortunately his heart wasn't strong enough to love me without condition and neither was mine. We placed so many expectations, so many unwarranted demands on each other and here we sit. At the end of it all, what we valued throughout our relationship is what we kept. Me and my MBA, he and his job...too bad we had to lose each other in the storm. I still love him and probably always will. I think he had his heart broken long before I came along, but I certainly opened up and widened his wound. I think about the baby he was, the heart troubles and how he barely survived birth...and I cry. I pray that God will take his pain away, that he will find solace in the Lord. I know that I need to look to God to take my pain away too...so much hurt and frustration, but at least I am getting rid of the anger in my writing. It's as much about me forgiving him as it is about me leaving that sad, destitute woman behind. I had so much pain in my heart from my marriage. My marriage, that I wanted to build me up but I could never get a hold of. I was never happy, never satisfied and now I have to, no I choose say goodbye. I'm saying goodbye to a life I lived and sometimes loved. I'm saying goodbye to pride before love. I'm saying goodbye to conditions, to punishment, to failure, to forced convenience. I'm saying goodbye to fear, to secrets in the dark, to a life of rejection and involuntary solitude. I love you Omi, I always will. I never wanted to hurt you or make you feel the way I did. I could have been a better wife and I should have. Something inside tells me it wouldn't have mattered...I would have ended up resenting you so I saved all my artillery and attacked you in the worst way possible. I wish I would have never gone to Maryland...but even God knows I was too far gone to do anything different. I should have canceled my trip there when we were in Arizona but I didn't. I knew Andrew was a piece of shit, but I felt like I was one too so I sank down to his level and became someone I truly could not stand. I found moments of peace in that place, but very few. I remember asking God for chance after chance all those years, wishing the darkness would go away. I remember promising God that if He would just let this mistake go I would be a good girl and never do it again...thoughts words, words actions, actions character, character destiny. Instead of allowing that character to define my destiny, I ended the charade. I could no longer suffer a life without love for my husband or myself; it had gone on far too long. I pray to God that one day Omi will understand this, but even if he doesn't, I know I did the right thing for both of us. God is good all the time, we just have to be able to understand why He allows us to fall sometimes. If we stick close to Him, He will bless us. If we fall on hard times when we're close to Him, He will give us the strength to endure the pain. Omi is in God's hands and so am I. I am grateful for the years we spent together, through him I learned how to survive. Watching him made me stronger, he is an amazing person in so many ways. He is strong, tenacious, and good at what he does. I know he can't see it right now, and I wish it wouldn't have taken me leaving for him to come to terms with God

Our marriage and our life together is over.

Workout.

I feel aching in places I didn't know I owned. From my lymph nodes to- is that still my abdominals all the way up there? Shit. I feel it.
I am on a workout program and decided I need to cut weight quickly for some reason, so I'm trying this program called HIIT- High Intensity Interval Training. Basically you challenge your body with alternating sprints and jogs for 30 second intervals starting at 4 minutes the first week and ending up at 15 at the end of it.
Sound easy? When was the last time you sprinted?
Well, the fact of the matter is I'm 33 years old and haven't been in ideal shape since I was like 27....yeah, that's too long. I no longer have someone telling me they can't tell when my body changes or that I'm going to die from eating a sandwich too late at night so I have all the motivation in the world to go out there and get this ass beach ready before I dare check myself out in the Target dressing room mirror.
You know the ones- they make you want to jump off the highest bridge nearby because they reflect every flaw, every dimple and even create new ones! Effin Target...I have no idea why they engineer those mirrors to make you look so hideous, but if I can do the 360 view of myself naked in there and have not the slightest thought of taking my own life I will send my pictures to Playboy.

Now that's what I call an incentive. Bring it on 2010, you're gonna make a lovely bitch.

2010 is NO Joke.

Well...it has been over a year since we last met my darling, but alas here am I.
Burnt toast, scrape off the charcoal, smother in butter and grape jelly and there you have my life for the past 3 years. (Make sure to wash it down with 5 mimosas and some chicken apple sausage)

Here's where I stand today my juicy kumquats: MBA? Check. Divorce? In the works. House? I left it to him. Fast car? I still have it. Sanity? Oddly intact. Heart? On the mend.

33 years old, marriage is over, life is starting again and I am oddly optimistic. The pain of separation pales in comparison to the pungency of stale inertia.

God grant me the serenity and all the rest of those beautiful side dishes that go with it. I am ready for the call- it will be the sweetest answering service you've ever heard.

Inquietud Espiritual

I've been in a state of spiritual unrest for quite some time.
My focus has been cloudy, and I haven't been able to make a clear decision with complete peace for several months, maybe longer.
I had a disagreement about the Bible last night with my best friend, and although we ended it OK, I woke up feeling uneasy. What I did feel good about was that it was the first time I'd stood up for my faith in the face of opposition in a long time.
Then, all of a sudden today things started popping into my head. Clear, accurate assertions that I knew I had to make. I had to stand in my faith not meekly, but with bold confidence; the confidence that if I stand up for God, He will protect me. No weapons formed against me shall prosper, I'm more than a conqueror. It was then that I started getting angry. I had this spiritual indignation that threw me into such direct clarity of understanding I started writing to the one person who should have been spiritually united with me all along. I sat down and wrote a 6-page, non-flowery letter telling him how it is and what needs to happen. I also realized that I had to forgive myself and tell him that I am doing so. I will no longer walk with my head turned behind me. The past is over and the future is not guaranteed. I am done living in fear. I am done living without faith. I will walk, talk, and act in holy boldness. I will submit to the will of God and accept my failures as a part of life. There's some work to be done...a lot of it in fact. I praise God for this unrest. I praise Him that He is revealing His truth and His light. I will look to Him and no one else for my guidance...Thy word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path.

~TT~

Sorry for the Drama...

Hey All,
If you're reading this it's because I sent you an invite as a faithful follower of my blog :-). I had to shut off public access due to the personal nature of my posts as there were some people looking at it that I didn't quite care for. Hope you are all enjoying life to the fullest, I look forward to your comments soon!

-Tremenda

This love has been dropped, shattered, picked up, pieced together, and dropped again.
I stand here
Angry amongst the shards cutting into my tender feet
I stand atop
Broken Thanksgivings and children never born
I clumsily crush
Two newlywed virgins on a Hawaiian honeymoon
I bleed for
Our buried nephews and the ashes of our ancestors
I struggle to
Find my way off of this pile of everything and nothing at all.

More Professional Updates from TT

OK, so I applied and interviewed for a gig at Company X.... I know I said I wouldn't do it, but sometimes you get nostalgic, remember how it used to be and well...you start catchin' feelings.

Not sure how it will go, but I'll find out sometime this week.

This job is the epitome of everything I know and love. It's marketing, social responsibility, and social interaction...oh yeah, and a fat ass paycheck.

If I took this job I would be traveling to places like Kenya, Thailand, Switzerland, and maybe even Dominican Republic...it's my dream come true, but the more I think about it the more I doubt my performance in the interview.

I had about 90 minutes to prepare for it, as they told me to come in on Wednesday at 9:30 am and then changed their mind at the last minute and I had to go in at 7:15 Tuesday night. I scrambled to get my stuff together but I was so nervous...I know I was able to express my passion, but not my confidence or preparedness for this job.

I answered the questions poorly at the beginning, and didn't give a good answer about why I started my own company after I left them. I just really really REALLY want this job. I want financial security, free travel, and the potential to advance in my career. I would like to be the VP of Corporate Responsibility one day...you heard it here first. There was a time a couple years ago when I doubted my ability to achieve such professional greatness, but I don't anymore. I'm ready to get in there, do it the way I know it should be done, and let them know that C to the MF'in' G is in the building.
OOOWEEEE! I think I just jumped back and kissed myself!

Seriously though- I used to be scared of trying to get that far ahead because I wanted to be home and worried about having a family...but now I'm not sure if either of those things will pan out for me. I'm sitting back and biding my time, but for now I am focused on taking care of myself emotionally, physically, and spiritually. I refuse to allow my circumstances to defeat me, regardless if it's personal or professional. I have risen above the ashes before, and I'll do it again.

Sometimes I think my mission in life is to sacrifice a life with emotional fulfillment so I can achieve a higher purpose. It may just not be meant for me to have a family or a home life, and if that's the case I will accept my fate and work with what I've got.

-Yes I know I'm all over the place, I've got a lot of uncertainty pending. To Be Continued...

This Time, It's Personal.

I applied. I applied for a job I'm not qualified for but I dream about it constantly. As I recounted yesterday, I will not be teaching next semester due to availability of classes, the woman whose place I was supposed to take is now not leaving, and that's final.

But!

I couldn't be happier. Sound like I'm in denial? Allow me to clarify. Everything, and I mean EVERYTHING I have accomplished in my career has led up to this position. What the hell is it you ask? I applied to be the Executive Director of a non-profit organization that does social advocacy, leadership and capacity building, education, and support for adjudicated youth in the Latino community where I live. My relationship with them started out when my company rebranded their entire organization. I was then invited to serve on the Board of Directors and then it just so happened that it worked out for me to work there part-time during the leadership transition. I have been sharing responsibilities with the Interim Executive Director who doesn't want the job, but she is doing a great job so I know I'm not walking into a mess.
My experience working in the Latino community for several years, my marketing experience with Company X and my own company, my MBA, and now my internal knowledge of the organization is making me think I might have a shot. I may be completely off base, but I am very excited to have the chance to even interview for something like this. It's not every day you can say that you even got the chance to interview for an Executive Director position, even if they don't hire me!

Lately I have been struggling with my professional mission in life. Is it to be rich? The owner of a successful company? A professor? Well, I had a chance to have a long talk with myself on Friday driving back home to see the family. I talked myself through the self-doubt, the insecurity, the potential lack of preparedness and told myself "no". I have been hired for jobs that I wasn't qualified for before and I lived to talk about it. I do worry that an entire organization would be on my shoulders, but at the same time I have dreamed about shaping and growing an organization for a while now. To be able to take our budget and triple or quadruple it over the next few years is something I know I can do. It will be my sole mission to be on the ground, beating the pavement, getting in the ears of the rich and influential to make this dream come true. I will be working to increase self-efficacy for the Latino community and once I realized that, it all made sense. Sure I left for a few years, but the experience I gained in the corporate world only goes to prepare me for this job.

Now that I've said all that, I hope I don't have to come back and tell you they laughed at me in the interview, but I'll keep you posted. I can visualize myself as a leader, little by little everyday it's becoming real to me.

I'm exhausted, but at peace with my decision.

What Else?

Life ebbs...it flows, and sometimes you gotta pick up a long board and ride that mf'in tidal wave to the ground.
Got told today that there are no available classes to teach next semester but there may be some in the fall...so I know that 1 of my 3 jobs is a no go after December.

So here I am, looking for a job.

Again.

This time I am going to try to find one with some permanence. I mean, I knew there was a risk involved when I signed up so I'm not devastated by any means but it's just the tediousness of it all. I am grateful that this job got me through the interim and will look great on my resume no matter what.

So what's next for Miss Marketing business owner/Professor/Deputy Director of a non-profit part time on Tuesdays and Thursdays you ask? Well, that remains to be seen. I am applying for a job I'm not qualified for at all, but I know I could do it. Plus, there are only two other viable applicants so I've got at least a 33.3% chance. It wouldn't be the first time I got a job I wasn't qualified for based on my likeability and killer smile. Kidding! Do I sound like Sarah Palin? I sure hope so! (For all you newcomers that was a JOKE.)
Seriously though, I'm switching between writing this and working on my resume and it's all coming together for me. I do need to know how to maintain superhero energy and still be able to clean my house, take care of my husband and have a social life....hmmm...not sure about that one! I realized that over the past 9 years I've actually accomplished some things! Nice to know...

Sed de alma a veces se confunde con el deseo.
Sed de cuerpo a veces se confunde con el corazon.
Negar la negacion de lo negativo en tu vida- no te confundas...ya te jodiste.
Algo me dice que esta vez sera diferente, que he logrado un nuevo modo de resistir mi naturaleza.
Entre anhelos encendidos y recuerdos medio amargos, todavia no se quien carajo soy yo.

How Important is Touch?

I have recently come upon the realization that in order for me to accept the choices I have made in life, there are certain things I will have to do without. For reasons I won't go into here, one of those things I am giving up for an indefinite period of time is physical affection. Sure, I could wrestle with the fact that I am without it and complain to the people who should give it to me, but alas I would find myself exactly where I was a year ago, and that is something I will not do. So my resolution is to not frustrate myself with such expectations and find joy in other things in life. I have become quite autonomous, I might add and my fixation on things I don't have has waned quite a bit over the past few months.
Now, as proud as I am of myself for this new found self-control, I started thinking about the actual scientific NEED for human touch. Will I be like a malnourished infant if I go much longer? Will I begin to develop a calcium deficiency or antisocial behaviors? What happens to adults who go without touch? I suppose there are a number of routes I could go down, but the one I'm currently on involves me being thrown into my work and home projects.
One thing about being an adult that I am learning with great relief is the less dependent you are on other people for things like reassurance and affection, the less likely you are to get disappointed.
You all may be scoffing at my Brothers Grimm take on life right now, but I have been on the other end of the fairytale where you wake and sleep and all you can think about it what you don't have. It's the quickest way to drown in self-pity and terminal dissatisfaction; two things that will drive you to your misery without fail. As for me, I finally came to terms with my choices both positive and negative. Life never grows at the speed you want it to, so you must adapt for the day at hand.
Do I miss touch? Absolutely. Not a night goes by where I don't close my eyes and hold my own hands or stroke my own hip imagining it were someone else. Do I sound like a sorry loser? Probably. Do I feel sorry for myself? Nope. This is the point in life that God is teaching me something, and if I don't learn it, it will have been a lost opportunity.

~TT~

Penchant for Pain

Change for the better is not like you have always heard.
It happens, it fails, and you are left with emptiness.
You try again, get up, put on a smile and change your point of view....

And still nothing.

You're starving for a sign, a corneal brightening that could wake you, but the darkness succeeds.
Thirst
Is not the longing but the absence of hydration.
You wish it would rain so your skin could drink even if your soul stays parched

So you cry and lap up the tears- salt and all.

Nueva Luz, Nueva Vista

This weekend I cleaned out, deconstructed and rebuilt my home office. I went through 8 years of papers, junk, pictures, albums, etc. and finally got things to a manageable level. I found a check for $1,700 that I had forgotten about (don't ask me how!) and now I know how I'm going to buy an imac this week. I am hanging art, filing bills, creating files for my marketing business, and I can see the floor and the walls. My printer is now within arm's reach, and my record player is in full working order. I've been crooned by the Isley Brothers, driven to tears by Tierra, taken back in time by Lionel Ritchie and The Dramatics, and now I'm winding down to Shakira and Victor Manuelle on CD. I've compacted, feng shuied, and stacked my life in this office. I feel clean, functional, and ready to get down to business, no matter what it might be. I've got my Asian pinup girl illustrations (nothing lewd, my girl Jenni is an artist and I bought some of her prints), I've got my Wonder Woman collector's plate polished up and ready to hang, and I'm going to see if the 8-track is compatible with my stereo.
I can actually say I know where everything is now and I have an incredible sense of calm and accomplishment right now. As a creative person (you all know) I have to be "struck" by inspiration to take on something as tedious as cleaning and organization. You may wonder how I was driven to it- I actually went out and bought the stuff to hang my art with, and once I rearranged the furniture and hung up art, I was compelled to shred 8,000 lbs of paper to do my sanctuary justice.

Order follows art, at least in my world.

Carolina, on my mind.
Lazy lilacs, sweeping time.
Mr. Gator Man, tip your hat my way.
What I wouldn't do for a Carolina day.

Adriana Lima

OK,
So I'm not usually this bochinchera....but read below:

En abril de este año, provocando una revolución entre sus millones de admiradores, confesó en una comentada entrevista con la revista GQ que era virgen. “El sexo es para después del matrimonio”, explicó, “y si un hombre está conmigo, debe respetar mi elección. Si no hay respeto, significa que no me desea”.
Esta revelación, viniendo de una mujer que ha visto su nombre aparecer frecuentemente en Page Six junto al de famosos Don Juanes como Lenny Kravitz y Derek Jeter, no dejó de causar sorpresa y uno que otro comentario. Pero Adriana da poca importancia a lo que piensen los demás y hace, en cambio, grandes esfuerzos para mantener su vida privada, privada.

***If this is indeed true...WOW. What an incredible show of fortitude on her part. Read the whole article here:

http://www.oceandriveespanol.com/hybrid/features/cover/index.html

Last Thoughts From Tuesday the 30th

Today was an interesting day. After being laid up and useless for a few days, I have regained my strength and inspiration 20-fold. I started the day off right with an Iced Grande Liquid Oppression, skim milk, 2 Splenda. Had the superdelish low fat turkey bacon breakfast sammich, and off I went to the office in the 'hood.

Here's a little bit about my professional climate as of now:

Monday, Wednesday, and Friday I play marketing professor at the University.
Tuesday and Thursday I play deputy director at the nonprofit.
Every single day I play the small business owner tryin' to rub 2 nickels together to make a dub.

I love my crazy life right now. I am getting ready to paint several rooms in my house, FINALLY clean my office, and deal with this bloody IRS crap that has me thinking I'd rather be riding a porcupine buck nekked in a South Carolina hail storm than to deal with it.

That said, I got my first paycheck(s) today. I have been working 3 and 4 jobs for about 6 weeks and this is the first skrilla I've seen. Now, although I am paying off the bills, I did take my happy butt to IKEA and bought that full-length, dark-wood framed floor mirror I've been talking about for 2 years. It used to be $299 but it ws $99 today and don't you KNOW I hooked that bad boy up on the handtruck. It stands right in the entry way to my house so I can do the booty check right before I leave the house in the morning...nothing better than that.

I also went ahead and bought a new office chair that is minimalist, white, and perfect because it's not too comfortable so it will inspire me to get my work done faster so I can get off my booty and do something besides work and play on the computer.

I also bought one of those plastic mats that goes underneath the roller chair so I can push myself away from the desk when I've won a battle with a victorious "YESH!" and the chair will actually roll backwards instead of giving me carpet burn and whiplash at the same time.

Oooh- also picked up some paint swatches from the store today so I can start designing my oficina.

Life is good, we're in business, and I hope to have my website up by mid-November.

Signing off,

Dirty, Dirty, Businesswoman.

Placid

I walk- you watch me, not a word exchanged.
You breathe- I catch you, and the walls are screaming change.
Your weakness- my flesh cries, and our ties are rearranged.

The comfort of consistency is stronger than any love story could bellow.

Gorgeous Calm

The assuring hum of the refrigerator, the remote at my side like a taser, the fluid depth of the wood floors staring back at me, independent films, cup of coffee, whimsical kitchen disarray...

Yes folks, it's Sunday afternoon alone at the house.

I love these days. I sink deep into my corner of the L-shaped couch and my dreams; multiple internet tabs awaiting exploration.

I don't want a phone call, a knock on the door, or an interruption of this steady flow of procrastination.

I think about all the things I should do like go for a run, clean up the office, correct papers, etc. Instead I sit and create without an accomplishment to speak of. I both hate and love these days. I know I have time yet I waste it. I almost feel afraid of accomplishment...there are all these things waiting and yet I don't face them.
The fact is, I find great comfort in these looming tasks...like there is always someone waiting for me when I get home. I don't know how to handle continuous mediocrity, I can only find satisfaction in low lows and drastic makeovers so everyone, including myself will be amazed at how much I was able to change the situation.
I envy people who can keep a steady flow of order and upkeep in their lives. The kinds of people who have a task, don't fear it, and face it head on. The kinds of people who get things DONE. I think I could be one of those people, but instead I hide behind a curtain of unobtainable perfection.

It looms and the fear becomes greater than the task at hand.

Haterade Masks Fear?

Truth time. Since 2004 I have gained 20 lbs and I finally made a commitment this week to lose it. For a few years, I have hidden behind stress, overcommitment, and a million other excuses why I didn't stay in shape. However, little by little I started worrying. I worried I would lose too much weight, sell out to the white boys who wouldn't give me the time of day because I was too thick, or worse- I wouldn't snap necks when I walked by. I never wanted to be one of those proportionate, non-descript women who although pretty, didn't have any outstanding physical attributes.
I honestly have never been able to figure out why men (white, brown, and black alike- don't front, you all know you look) dig women shaped like this:



Or this:




Or the WORST- looked like this from behind:


When I was growing up, these women were the antithesis to everything I was: curvy, rhythmic, strong, thick and ethnic.

Not fat, thick.

I know I have never really been "too skinny", but in my world, by what my standards of beauty determine, I am scared that I will lose my inertia...that my soul will escape through the melting process of my hips and thighs and I will cease to enjoy life. Would I lose my faithful fan base of Brothas and Latinos who although just as likely to take Jaime Pressly to bed, wouldn't have her on their arm in public....?

I love the love, but I know I'm not good where I'm at.

As I lose the outer weight, I will continue to gauge my inner weight, and if I start feeling the scale tipping too far to the Scary Side, I will stop. I may never be ideal by the world's standards, but the older I get, the less important those standards are. I want to look good in a swimsuit, but I want to HAVE a hip:waist ratio....I've never NOT had one, even at my thinnest, but after so many years of safety behind my thickness label, I'm scared. I feel like I will be losing a part of myself and what's left will be nothing more than acceptable to white America.

My identity will no longer be "thick girl", but "fit" and sometimes that can be really boring because there are no longer any extremities to gawk at.

Sanctification

Gotta clean out my life.

Gotta make a new start.

Gotta do the right thing.

Can't keep running to wrong and away from right.

Gotta face my fears.

It won't be easy, but it's what's best in God's eyes.