Wednesday, March 3, 2010

I miss him...

Today I cleaned out my jewelry box and found his baby ring...I also found the wedding ring he never wore. So many inconsistencies, too much pain to quantify. I wear the gold bracelet he gave me when we were dating, he was so sweet back then. I miss the days when love and hope lived under the same roof. Looking back though, I know that it was I who created the hope and made the love into something that should have never been. I believe he loved me as much as he could, and more than he had loved anyone before...unfortunately his heart wasn't strong enough to love me without condition and neither was mine. We placed so many expectations, so many unwarranted demands on each other and here we sit. At the end of it all, what we valued throughout our relationship is what we kept. Me and my MBA, he and his job...too bad we had to lose each other in the storm. I still love him and probably always will. I think he had his heart broken long before I came along, but I certainly opened up and widened his wound. I think about the baby he was, the heart troubles and how he barely survived birth...and I cry. I pray that God will take his pain away, that he will find solace in the Lord. I know that I need to look to God to take my pain away much hurt and frustration, but at least I am getting rid of the anger in my writing. It's as much about me forgiving him as it is about me leaving that sad, destitute woman behind. I had so much pain in my heart from my marriage. My marriage, that I wanted to build me up but I could never get a hold of. I was never happy, never satisfied and now I have to, no I choose say goodbye. I'm saying goodbye to a life I lived and sometimes loved. I'm saying goodbye to pride before love. I'm saying goodbye to conditions, to punishment, to failure, to forced convenience. I'm saying goodbye to fear, to secrets in the dark, to a life of rejection and involuntary solitude. I love you Omi, I always will. I never wanted to hurt you or make you feel the way I did. I could have been a better wife and I should have. Something inside tells me it wouldn't have mattered...I would have ended up resenting you so I saved all my artillery and attacked you in the worst way possible. I wish I would have never gone to Maryland...but even God knows I was too far gone to do anything different. I should have canceled my trip there when we were in Arizona but I didn't. I knew Andrew was a piece of shit, but I felt like I was one too so I sank down to his level and became someone I truly could not stand. I found moments of peace in that place, but very few. I remember asking God for chance after chance all those years, wishing the darkness would go away. I remember promising God that if He would just let this mistake go I would be a good girl and never do it again...thoughts words, words actions, actions character, character destiny. Instead of allowing that character to define my destiny, I ended the charade. I could no longer suffer a life without love for my husband or myself; it had gone on far too long. I pray to God that one day Omi will understand this, but even if he doesn't, I know I did the right thing for both of us. God is good all the time, we just have to be able to understand why He allows us to fall sometimes. If we stick close to Him, He will bless us. If we fall on hard times when we're close to Him, He will give us the strength to endure the pain. Omi is in God's hands and so am I. I am grateful for the years we spent together, through him I learned how to survive. Watching him made me stronger, he is an amazing person in so many ways. He is strong, tenacious, and good at what he does. I know he can't see it right now, and I wish it wouldn't have taken me leaving for him to come to terms with God

Our marriage and our life together is over.