Tuesday, August 23, 2005
Watching Sopranos Causes Violence Against Animals
I came home Sunday after a week and a half to find about 20 flies sleazing around my kitchen downstairs...I was mortified. I tore through the kitchen searching for the rotten meat/rubbish culprit (wondering what the hell my husband had been doing or not doing while I was gone) and I couldn't find a thing! I made a sorry attempt to drown them in "ant and roach repellent", but was disappointed to discover it doesn't work on flies.
Last night I came home, cooked some Thai peanut noodle concoction, watched the Sopranos, went downstairs and went to town on those stupid flies. I don't know if it was the Vietnamese Sriracha chili sauce on my noodles, or the guilty pleasure of mafia violence on cable, but I rolled up some junk mail coupons and just started smashing, obliterating, violating every single damn fly in that house. I was screaming, slicing, triple dragon-chopping those poor bug-eyed buzzards to death and you know what? It felt damn good.
Oh yeah, and I bought a silk jacket with rabbit fur trim for $30 at Burlington Coat Factory while I was on vacation. I already have a one-liner ready for any PETA folks that want to hassle me: "I'm not worried about the fur under your arms, so don't worry about the fur on my jacket!"