This Time, It's Personal.

I applied. I applied for a job I'm not qualified for but I dream about it constantly. As I recounted yesterday, I will not be teaching next semester due to availability of classes, the woman whose place I was supposed to take is now not leaving, and that's final.

But!

I couldn't be happier. Sound like I'm in denial? Allow me to clarify. Everything, and I mean EVERYTHING I have accomplished in my career has led up to this position. What the hell is it you ask? I applied to be the Executive Director of a non-profit organization that does social advocacy, leadership and capacity building, education, and support for adjudicated youth in the Latino community where I live. My relationship with them started out when my company rebranded their entire organization. I was then invited to serve on the Board of Directors and then it just so happened that it worked out for me to work there part-time during the leadership transition. I have been sharing responsibilities with the Interim Executive Director who doesn't want the job, but she is doing a great job so I know I'm not walking into a mess.
My experience working in the Latino community for several years, my marketing experience with Company X and my own company, my MBA, and now my internal knowledge of the organization is making me think I might have a shot. I may be completely off base, but I am very excited to have the chance to even interview for something like this. It's not every day you can say that you even got the chance to interview for an Executive Director position, even if they don't hire me!

Lately I have been struggling with my professional mission in life. Is it to be rich? The owner of a successful company? A professor? Well, I had a chance to have a long talk with myself on Friday driving back home to see the family. I talked myself through the self-doubt, the insecurity, the potential lack of preparedness and told myself "no". I have been hired for jobs that I wasn't qualified for before and I lived to talk about it. I do worry that an entire organization would be on my shoulders, but at the same time I have dreamed about shaping and growing an organization for a while now. To be able to take our budget and triple or quadruple it over the next few years is something I know I can do. It will be my sole mission to be on the ground, beating the pavement, getting in the ears of the rich and influential to make this dream come true. I will be working to increase self-efficacy for the Latino community and once I realized that, it all made sense. Sure I left for a few years, but the experience I gained in the corporate world only goes to prepare me for this job.

Now that I've said all that, I hope I don't have to come back and tell you they laughed at me in the interview, but I'll keep you posted. I can visualize myself as a leader, little by little everyday it's becoming real to me.

I'm exhausted, but at peace with my decision.

What Else?

Life ebbs...it flows, and sometimes you gotta pick up a long board and ride that mf'in tidal wave to the ground.
Got told today that there are no available classes to teach next semester but there may be some in the fall...so I know that 1 of my 3 jobs is a no go after December.

So here I am, looking for a job.

Again.

This time I am going to try to find one with some permanence. I mean, I knew there was a risk involved when I signed up so I'm not devastated by any means but it's just the tediousness of it all. I am grateful that this job got me through the interim and will look great on my resume no matter what.

So what's next for Miss Marketing business owner/Professor/Deputy Director of a non-profit part time on Tuesdays and Thursdays you ask? Well, that remains to be seen. I am applying for a job I'm not qualified for at all, but I know I could do it. Plus, there are only two other viable applicants so I've got at least a 33.3% chance. It wouldn't be the first time I got a job I wasn't qualified for based on my likeability and killer smile. Kidding! Do I sound like Sarah Palin? I sure hope so! (For all you newcomers that was a JOKE.)
Seriously though, I'm switching between writing this and working on my resume and it's all coming together for me. I do need to know how to maintain superhero energy and still be able to clean my house, take care of my husband and have a social life....hmmm...not sure about that one! I realized that over the past 9 years I've actually accomplished some things! Nice to know...

Sed de alma a veces se confunde con el deseo.
Sed de cuerpo a veces se confunde con el corazon.
Negar la negacion de lo negativo en tu vida- no te confundas...ya te jodiste.
Algo me dice que esta vez sera diferente, que he logrado un nuevo modo de resistir mi naturaleza.
Entre anhelos encendidos y recuerdos medio amargos, todavia no se quien carajo soy yo.

How Important is Touch?

I have recently come upon the realization that in order for me to accept the choices I have made in life, there are certain things I will have to do without. For reasons I won't go into here, one of those things I am giving up for an indefinite period of time is physical affection. Sure, I could wrestle with the fact that I am without it and complain to the people who should give it to me, but alas I would find myself exactly where I was a year ago, and that is something I will not do. So my resolution is to not frustrate myself with such expectations and find joy in other things in life. I have become quite autonomous, I might add and my fixation on things I don't have has waned quite a bit over the past few months.
Now, as proud as I am of myself for this new found self-control, I started thinking about the actual scientific NEED for human touch. Will I be like a malnourished infant if I go much longer? Will I begin to develop a calcium deficiency or antisocial behaviors? What happens to adults who go without touch? I suppose there are a number of routes I could go down, but the one I'm currently on involves me being thrown into my work and home projects.
One thing about being an adult that I am learning with great relief is the less dependent you are on other people for things like reassurance and affection, the less likely you are to get disappointed.
You all may be scoffing at my Brothers Grimm take on life right now, but I have been on the other end of the fairytale where you wake and sleep and all you can think about it what you don't have. It's the quickest way to drown in self-pity and terminal dissatisfaction; two things that will drive you to your misery without fail. As for me, I finally came to terms with my choices both positive and negative. Life never grows at the speed you want it to, so you must adapt for the day at hand.
Do I miss touch? Absolutely. Not a night goes by where I don't close my eyes and hold my own hands or stroke my own hip imagining it were someone else. Do I sound like a sorry loser? Probably. Do I feel sorry for myself? Nope. This is the point in life that God is teaching me something, and if I don't learn it, it will have been a lost opportunity.

~TT~

Penchant for Pain

Change for the better is not like you have always heard.
It happens, it fails, and you are left with emptiness.
You try again, get up, put on a smile and change your point of view....

And still nothing.

You're starving for a sign, a corneal brightening that could wake you, but the darkness succeeds.
Thirst
Is not the longing but the absence of hydration.
You wish it would rain so your skin could drink even if your soul stays parched

So you cry and lap up the tears- salt and all.

Nueva Luz, Nueva Vista

This weekend I cleaned out, deconstructed and rebuilt my home office. I went through 8 years of papers, junk, pictures, albums, etc. and finally got things to a manageable level. I found a check for $1,700 that I had forgotten about (don't ask me how!) and now I know how I'm going to buy an imac this week. I am hanging art, filing bills, creating files for my marketing business, and I can see the floor and the walls. My printer is now within arm's reach, and my record player is in full working order. I've been crooned by the Isley Brothers, driven to tears by Tierra, taken back in time by Lionel Ritchie and The Dramatics, and now I'm winding down to Shakira and Victor Manuelle on CD. I've compacted, feng shuied, and stacked my life in this office. I feel clean, functional, and ready to get down to business, no matter what it might be. I've got my Asian pinup girl illustrations (nothing lewd, my girl Jenni is an artist and I bought some of her prints), I've got my Wonder Woman collector's plate polished up and ready to hang, and I'm going to see if the 8-track is compatible with my stereo.
I can actually say I know where everything is now and I have an incredible sense of calm and accomplishment right now. As a creative person (you all know) I have to be "struck" by inspiration to take on something as tedious as cleaning and organization. You may wonder how I was driven to it- I actually went out and bought the stuff to hang my art with, and once I rearranged the furniture and hung up art, I was compelled to shred 8,000 lbs of paper to do my sanctuary justice.

Order follows art, at least in my world.

Carolina, on my mind.
Lazy lilacs, sweeping time.
Mr. Gator Man, tip your hat my way.
What I wouldn't do for a Carolina day.

Adriana Lima

OK,
So I'm not usually this bochinchera....but read below:

En abril de este año, provocando una revolución entre sus millones de admiradores, confesó en una comentada entrevista con la revista GQ que era virgen. “El sexo es para después del matrimonio”, explicó, “y si un hombre está conmigo, debe respetar mi elección. Si no hay respeto, significa que no me desea”.
Esta revelación, viniendo de una mujer que ha visto su nombre aparecer frecuentemente en Page Six junto al de famosos Don Juanes como Lenny Kravitz y Derek Jeter, no dejó de causar sorpresa y uno que otro comentario. Pero Adriana da poca importancia a lo que piensen los demás y hace, en cambio, grandes esfuerzos para mantener su vida privada, privada.

***If this is indeed true...WOW. What an incredible show of fortitude on her part. Read the whole article here:

http://www.oceandriveespanol.com/hybrid/features/cover/index.html

Last Thoughts From Tuesday the 30th

Today was an interesting day. After being laid up and useless for a few days, I have regained my strength and inspiration 20-fold. I started the day off right with an Iced Grande Liquid Oppression, skim milk, 2 Splenda. Had the superdelish low fat turkey bacon breakfast sammich, and off I went to the office in the 'hood.

Here's a little bit about my professional climate as of now:

Monday, Wednesday, and Friday I play marketing professor at the University.
Tuesday and Thursday I play deputy director at the nonprofit.
Every single day I play the small business owner tryin' to rub 2 nickels together to make a dub.

I love my crazy life right now. I am getting ready to paint several rooms in my house, FINALLY clean my office, and deal with this bloody IRS crap that has me thinking I'd rather be riding a porcupine buck nekked in a South Carolina hail storm than to deal with it.

That said, I got my first paycheck(s) today. I have been working 3 and 4 jobs for about 6 weeks and this is the first skrilla I've seen. Now, although I am paying off the bills, I did take my happy butt to IKEA and bought that full-length, dark-wood framed floor mirror I've been talking about for 2 years. It used to be $299 but it ws $99 today and don't you KNOW I hooked that bad boy up on the handtruck. It stands right in the entry way to my house so I can do the booty check right before I leave the house in the morning...nothing better than that.

I also went ahead and bought a new office chair that is minimalist, white, and perfect because it's not too comfortable so it will inspire me to get my work done faster so I can get off my booty and do something besides work and play on the computer.

I also bought one of those plastic mats that goes underneath the roller chair so I can push myself away from the desk when I've won a battle with a victorious "YESH!" and the chair will actually roll backwards instead of giving me carpet burn and whiplash at the same time.

Oooh- also picked up some paint swatches from the store today so I can start designing my oficina.

Life is good, we're in business, and I hope to have my website up by mid-November.

Signing off,

Dirty, Dirty, Businesswoman.