Monday, October 1, 2007

Too Much Time...

I never thought I would be the one to say this but...I have too much time on my hands and it's starting to get debilitating! I can't wake up until 11 am or so, and then I spend time doing things that don't matter because I feel like I have all the time in the world...then the day's over.
I know I've been depressed lately from all the deaths going on...but I feel like I should be more focused. I almost feel like I never want to work again full time, so why am I pushing myself so hard to finish school and go to an MBA conference for which I'm not even serious about any employers? I actually had a long talk with my best friend last night who is having a MAJOR baby-fiending episode these days...and while I'm not exactly dreaming of uteruses like she is, I am seriously considering motherhood for the first time.
I told myself I wouldn't consider it until I finished my MBA, which now has a definite completion date of August '08...I also needed to know what my marital/relationship situation would be which wasn't definitive until recently either. While I'm not 100% sure if MMM's good behavior will last forever, I am keeping my fingers crossed that it will. If it doesn't, I hope I find out soon so I can make other arrangements. I'm going to be 31 in October and I'd like to at least start trying by my 32nd birthday. Do I sound like a crazy baby-obsessed 30 year old? I've been married for almost 8 years so I would like to think I'm not being hasty...
The more I'm at home, the closer I feel to my dwelling and the more I can picture myself nurturing and raising a child. I am going to start preparing my body internally by completely cutting out smoking...not even socially. I am going to limit my alcohol intake, watch what I eat, and get on a regular exercise regimen. I want to make sure that I am at the very least physically prepared...I know the emotional part comes during pregnancy. I will read all the books, get the room ready, and start nesting like a mofo.
It's really important to me that the father of my child be extremely understanding, nurturing, and financially stable. I need to know that I have the option to stay at home while my children are in their crucial developmental years. I want to know that he will treat me with respect and not go astray while my body is going through so many changes. I need to know that he will think I'm beautiful even with a big belly and indigestion. I want to make sure he can go with me to birthing classes, crib shopping, and will read the baby books with me.
Man...this is a freaky feeling. I hope I'm in the right place to be dreaming about this stuff. I have a year to figure it out, so you can best believe I'm going to be watching my situation like a hawk.


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