Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Hunger Strike

Today is our 8 year anniversary....I had a long talk with him last night as I have been almost every night lately and he finally did something that made me turn my decision around to move out.
He drank wine. He has always criticized and poo-pooed my consumption of wine at home, and certainly never elected to share in my love of it. I had my obligatory 3 oz cup last night out of my Japanese tea cup, and he broke out a Seattle shot glass and asked me to pour him a little. He drank it and asked me if it's supposed to make your chest warm, and I laughed and said yes.
He's not doing well. He's lost about 20 lbs and he's not even going to the gym. He was in impeccable shape beforehand and now his eyes are consuming his whole face. He hasn't been eating and I know he is in a deep depression.
He told me that he had a plan to re-propose to me in front of the church where we got married 8 years ago today. He even wanted to ask a priest to preside over it so we could have a blessing or something...all of a sudden he wants God back in his life and I don't know why it took this but it did. I can't walk away from a starving man...I'm Greek for crying out loud. I have to cook for him and nurse him back to health. I want to accept his love and believe in the miracle that has occurred in his heart. I am going to give him a chance, but I told him I would never put up with what he put me through...not from him or anyone else in my life.
I prayed the other day for God to help me let go of some of the things I've been holding on to like my bitterness and dreams of a better life without him. I know I could not only survive but I could thrive without him...so my choice to stay is not out of necessity, but of desire.
My friends will be disappointed in this decision, but they don't have to live with it, I do. I am going to work on my schoolwork today, but when I get home I'm going to tell him. I hope I'm making the right decision- something in my heart tells me I am.


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