I've been sleeping a lot lately. I've been sick, so I'm trying to attribute it to that, but I was sleeping a lot before I was sick. I find that I need at least 11-12 hours of sleep a night, and my days are spent unmotivated and unfocused. I have had an incredible amount of loss this year, and while MMM and I are on the rise, I still don't feel like myself. I know I'm depressed, and as much as I want to snap out of it, I don't. I've been taking some medication that my GEMS prescribed to me before she took her own life...now I'm wondering if I should even be on them.
This year, in an effort to recoup my old self, I have reached out to friends and family to cheer me up. It always helps temporarily, but then I find myself in the same position again. It's almost as if it's physical and not mental. I don't feel strong enough to change my fate so I just slip away into unconsciousness. I often lie in bed with my eyes closed fantasizing about another life which just ends up depressing me more because I'm not in a position to make it happen. I want to feel alive again, I want to be awake and energetic. I get all kinds of advice from people, but it almost feels impossible to apply. I don't feel particularly sad about life in general, just disappointed in myself and my lack of ambition. I used to be impressed with myself somewhat...now I don't feel like much at all. I miss the times when I could laugh for hours at a time and paint pictures of beautiful dreams. Maybe one day it'll happen again, but in the meantime I'm here reaching out for something that I'm not allowed to have...scattered. self-absorbed. searching...I'm alone.