Inquietud Espiritual

I've been in a state of spiritual unrest for quite some time.
My focus has been cloudy, and I haven't been able to make a clear decision with complete peace for several months, maybe longer.
I had a disagreement about the Bible last night with my best friend, and although we ended it OK, I woke up feeling uneasy. What I did feel good about was that it was the first time I'd stood up for my faith in the face of opposition in a long time.
Then, all of a sudden today things started popping into my head. Clear, accurate assertions that I knew I had to make. I had to stand in my faith not meekly, but with bold confidence; the confidence that if I stand up for God, He will protect me. No weapons formed against me shall prosper, I'm more than a conqueror. It was then that I started getting angry. I had this spiritual indignation that threw me into such direct clarity of understanding I started writing to the one person who should have been spiritually united with me all along. I sat down and wrote a 6-page, non-flowery letter telling him how it is and what needs to happen. I also realized that I had to forgive myself and tell him that I am doing so. I will no longer walk with my head turned behind me. The past is over and the future is not guaranteed. I am done living in fear. I am done living without faith. I will walk, talk, and act in holy boldness. I will submit to the will of God and accept my failures as a part of life. There's some work to be done...a lot of it in fact. I praise God for this unrest. I praise Him that He is revealing His truth and His light. I will look to Him and no one else for my guidance...Thy word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path.

~TT~

Sorry for the Drama...

Hey All,
If you're reading this it's because I sent you an invite as a faithful follower of my blog :-). I had to shut off public access due to the personal nature of my posts as there were some people looking at it that I didn't quite care for. Hope you are all enjoying life to the fullest, I look forward to your comments soon!

-Tremenda

This love has been dropped, shattered, picked up, pieced together, and dropped again.
I stand here
Angry amongst the shards cutting into my tender feet
I stand atop
Broken Thanksgivings and children never born
I clumsily crush
Two newlywed virgins on a Hawaiian honeymoon
I bleed for
Our buried nephews and the ashes of our ancestors
I struggle to
Find my way off of this pile of everything and nothing at all.

More Professional Updates from TT

OK, so I applied and interviewed for a gig at Company X.... I know I said I wouldn't do it, but sometimes you get nostalgic, remember how it used to be and well...you start catchin' feelings.

Not sure how it will go, but I'll find out sometime this week.

This job is the epitome of everything I know and love. It's marketing, social responsibility, and social interaction...oh yeah, and a fat ass paycheck.

If I took this job I would be traveling to places like Kenya, Thailand, Switzerland, and maybe even Dominican Republic...it's my dream come true, but the more I think about it the more I doubt my performance in the interview.

I had about 90 minutes to prepare for it, as they told me to come in on Wednesday at 9:30 am and then changed their mind at the last minute and I had to go in at 7:15 Tuesday night. I scrambled to get my stuff together but I was so nervous...I know I was able to express my passion, but not my confidence or preparedness for this job.

I answered the questions poorly at the beginning, and didn't give a good answer about why I started my own company after I left them. I just really really REALLY want this job. I want financial security, free travel, and the potential to advance in my career. I would like to be the VP of Corporate Responsibility one day...you heard it here first. There was a time a couple years ago when I doubted my ability to achieve such professional greatness, but I don't anymore. I'm ready to get in there, do it the way I know it should be done, and let them know that C to the MF'in' G is in the building.
OOOWEEEE! I think I just jumped back and kissed myself!

Seriously though- I used to be scared of trying to get that far ahead because I wanted to be home and worried about having a family...but now I'm not sure if either of those things will pan out for me. I'm sitting back and biding my time, but for now I am focused on taking care of myself emotionally, physically, and spiritually. I refuse to allow my circumstances to defeat me, regardless if it's personal or professional. I have risen above the ashes before, and I'll do it again.

Sometimes I think my mission in life is to sacrifice a life with emotional fulfillment so I can achieve a higher purpose. It may just not be meant for me to have a family or a home life, and if that's the case I will accept my fate and work with what I've got.

-Yes I know I'm all over the place, I've got a lot of uncertainty pending. To Be Continued...

This Time, It's Personal.

I applied. I applied for a job I'm not qualified for but I dream about it constantly. As I recounted yesterday, I will not be teaching next semester due to availability of classes, the woman whose place I was supposed to take is now not leaving, and that's final.

But!

I couldn't be happier. Sound like I'm in denial? Allow me to clarify. Everything, and I mean EVERYTHING I have accomplished in my career has led up to this position. What the hell is it you ask? I applied to be the Executive Director of a non-profit organization that does social advocacy, leadership and capacity building, education, and support for adjudicated youth in the Latino community where I live. My relationship with them started out when my company rebranded their entire organization. I was then invited to serve on the Board of Directors and then it just so happened that it worked out for me to work there part-time during the leadership transition. I have been sharing responsibilities with the Interim Executive Director who doesn't want the job, but she is doing a great job so I know I'm not walking into a mess.
My experience working in the Latino community for several years, my marketing experience with Company X and my own company, my MBA, and now my internal knowledge of the organization is making me think I might have a shot. I may be completely off base, but I am very excited to have the chance to even interview for something like this. It's not every day you can say that you even got the chance to interview for an Executive Director position, even if they don't hire me!

Lately I have been struggling with my professional mission in life. Is it to be rich? The owner of a successful company? A professor? Well, I had a chance to have a long talk with myself on Friday driving back home to see the family. I talked myself through the self-doubt, the insecurity, the potential lack of preparedness and told myself "no". I have been hired for jobs that I wasn't qualified for before and I lived to talk about it. I do worry that an entire organization would be on my shoulders, but at the same time I have dreamed about shaping and growing an organization for a while now. To be able to take our budget and triple or quadruple it over the next few years is something I know I can do. It will be my sole mission to be on the ground, beating the pavement, getting in the ears of the rich and influential to make this dream come true. I will be working to increase self-efficacy for the Latino community and once I realized that, it all made sense. Sure I left for a few years, but the experience I gained in the corporate world only goes to prepare me for this job.

Now that I've said all that, I hope I don't have to come back and tell you they laughed at me in the interview, but I'll keep you posted. I can visualize myself as a leader, little by little everyday it's becoming real to me.

I'm exhausted, but at peace with my decision.