Saturday, September 15, 2007

Tipping Point

Why does the 7th year hit you so hard? Why does death upon death upon divorce upon 4 weddings make you want to suffocate yourself inside a rubber glove? I have had the test of the soul put upon me over and over again and I'm still standing...shakily. I have said and done things I never thought possible and felt lower than I've ever felt. Critical elements of my support system vanished into thin air and I am stuck whimpering in the background, wondering where my strength will come from. After almost 8 years of marriage, MMM decides he is totally committed to me and in love with me as a person. He's "never felt this way" he says and I am left wondering why...what is it about this moment that sent such an electric current his way? How did his heart get jumped into overdrive all of a sudden? When I was begging, pleading, crying, scratching my eyes out for him to love me...he sat there mercilessly and scoffed. Now that I am pulling the last bit of self respect out of my being and tell him I don't want to be married anymore, he has an epiphany. I can't tell you how much I cried this morning. I have barely been able to sleep, and last night was the 2nd night that we slept in the same bed...well- I slept while he was at work on the graveyard shift and woke either before or shortly after he got home. The marriage counselor told us we had 30 days to give it a try and needed to sleep in the same bed. I was fairly resistant, seeing that I had just purchased some fanstastic Memory Foam from Macy's for my futon in the guest room. Begrudgingly, I obliged and haven't had a decent night's sleep since.
This morning I got up and went downstairs to watch the finale of my novela Tropico, and after it was done sobbed and sobbed the potential loss of my marriage. I had a choice- I could either follow the inclination that maybe he did mean everything he said, or I could be cold and not care about what he feels. I decided to take my pillow in hand and take the walk up the stairs to the room and lie next to him. He held me and we cried. I told him that I was angry and upset about the 30 days and sleeping in the same room- I felt like it was the counselor's idea and when I already had my mind made up she shanghaied me from behind and I was left defenseless. I told him I couldn't guarantee him that I could change my heart in 30 days, that I didn't know if it would be worth it, but if knowing that he still wanted to try, then ok.
Frankly, I'm still ambivalent. I love him as a person, friend, and family member, but my heart desires so much more than I feel he is capable of giving. I also don't want this 30 days to be some whirlwind act where he is Mr. Wonderful and then as soon as he knows he won me over, he'll get comfortable and critical all over again.
I have dreams, desires, aspirations, that I think he admires but doesn't know how to handle. At my best, I'm on fire and larger than life. At my worst, I'm self-critical and apathetic. Do I think it will be easy to move out of my beautiful home? No. Do I think I would be happier without him? Something inside says yes, but I can never be sure. No one knows the future, but I know how I've felt for the past 8 years and I don't like it. There's one thing that's holding me back from walking out the door and that's a voice I heard while praying (assuming it was God) said- "if you wait for MMM, the reward will be greater than anything you could have imagined..." I want to think I'm a fairly astute individual who can decipher fantasy from reality, but in this case I have no clue. Do I love him? Yes. Am I in love with him? Not now. Could I be? Not sure. Do we have 10 years of history that I think is at least worth fighting for one last time? Yes.

Pobre de mi si mis instintos no me sirven bien...

~Tremenda Trigueña~

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