Sunday, September 23, 2007

Fall Fantasies

The wedding was absolutely amazing. Beautiful bride, smitten groom, gushing family and friends, fantastic food, and a soul train.
It couldn't have been a more perfect day for my friend- her groom, whom she has been dating for almost 8 years looked at her as if she were the only woman on earth. It was obvious that he had truly found the woman of his dreams and he was crazy about her. I held it together throughout the ceremony, but bawled my eyes out during the 1st dance. For some reason the idea of slow dancing has become so foreign to me...the ceremony was formal, public, and official...what MMM and I are really good at. What we haven't been good at are the close intimate moments in front of people- the kisses, the slow dances, the hand holding and it absolutely killed me. There is something undeniably beautiful about 2 people who have been married for a long time who can still find the passion to slow dance with each other. I was taken back to the times when I could hold my man close to me and let the music take us to a place where we felt like the only two people in the world. That dance would build up the anticipation of a hot and heavy make out session followed by a long goodbye... I want that again. Not necessarily as it was in high school, but the confirmation that my man is proud to hold me close in public and show the world he's still romancing me.
I thought that being in a wedding and going to brunch with MMM and my dad at the same restaurant where he proposed to me would bring back some kind of nostalgic spark to the day when we got engaged...but the time I actually remembered more fondly was the first time he brought me there in high school...we were so proud of ourselves to be eating in this fancy restaurant laughing that the waiter probably thought we couldn't pay for it. I wasn't actually that happy when we got engaged. I remember I cried from sheer anxiety and found it really hard to enjoy the moment...maybe that should have told me something.
Instead, I found myself daydreaming about marrying someone else today. I imagined a January wedding with turquoise, purple, fuschia, and chartreuse decor...I imagined my future husband thanking everyone during the toast, but getting down on one knee and professing his love for me in front of our friends and family...telling me that I was his queen, and how he couldn't wait to have babies with which everyone cheered uncontrollably.
I know I need to get out of my own head, but right now it's a lot more comfortable than my home.


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