Most of my life I have tried to help the people I love. I have tried to be supportive, (but not always succeeding) I have tried to be understanding, (I've got a few failures under my belt there too) and I have tried to be objective (may be the greatest shortcoming of all). If MMM wants a bike, I say "no!" but then go get it for him for Christmas. If my friends like La Rubia Que Todos Quieren wants me to come to a party in which she explicitly states she will be holding a satirical 4th of July party to celebrate the long-awaited amnesty of a close friend of ours, I say "of course! What can I bring?" knowing there will be plenty of Bush-bashing and "I'm so glad they're letting me stay here but I still hate this country" talk. So last night I attend the said FOJ party and have a great time mingling with everyone, enjoying apple pie, macaroni and cheese, Ruffles, and hamburgers (these items, minus the mac and cheese as it is considered "soul food" have never been consumed at one of our functions before).
Since we were celebrating the amnesty of the friend, we decided it was an important time to pay respect to those who don't have the same privilege and to say a few kind words about our friend. Words of nostalgia about the friend, and blessings were given. Talk of matriarchal ancestors who have given her the strength to survive what she was been through, anti-Bush rhetoric, and "I hope you all know I would never actually celebrate 4th of July or wear red/white&blue for real" was also spewed by LRQTQ and the friend.
MMM, being the sporadically present mate that he is, actually decided to attend this function with me, against his better judgement. He lingered in the background as everyone said their piece, and then at the end, told me he was ready to go. I then said goodbye and he pulled me outside. I won't bore you with the full transcript here, but: according to MMM, there were murmurs of anti-military sentiment going on around us, a suspicious gentleman in a cheap suit who he thought he recognized and "kept staring at my ass"...so it was not the best environment to be in. We had a chat outside and I decided it was better for me to go with him even though we arrived in separate vehicles and these were my friends. I would usually stay and let him go blow off steam, but I really felt that I should support my husband, and I honestly did not want to stay any longer than I already had. (Plus, he already feels like I choose my friends over him anyway, so I felt this was a perfect opportunity to show him I don't.)
I go in and tell LRQTQ that we're leaving, she asks if MMM is OK and I say "no". She (naturally, as she is not one to start conflicts) did not think she said anything offensive. I just briefly said that the red/white&blue comments were offensive to him because he has friends who have died for those colors. I hugged her and the friend, and went on my way with MMM to see Blood Diamonds (a little too Hollywoodish for an international conflict awareness piece for my taste, but a good story nonetheless). The friend could tell something was wrong, and LRQTQ is probably mad at me since I haven't gotten a call or text from her today, but there really is no love lost. I knew they were all flaming radicals before I went to the party, but it was out of love and my support for the immigrant struggle that I went.
-(3 hour pause)-
Following the movie, MMM and I go home and for some reason I decide to bring up the fact that he is getting a dog without my blessing and I am really freaking out. I have had near panic attacks thinking about dog hair on the couch, in my bed, on my clothes, in the grass...and the permastench of wet dog in my house not to mention the fact that we just installed brand new wood floors and I shudder to think of the friggin' scratchmarks a dog will leave on them. So I push and push the envelope and he says "forget it, I will call the lady tomorrow and tell her I don't need the dog". Now, usually that kind of guilt trip works, but he received no argument from me and I went upstairs to go to sleep. Did I feel like an a$$hole? Yes. Did I think of how I was hurting the little boy's feelings whose only dream was to have a precious little puppy dog? Absolutely. Do I think he needs a dog at the expense of my décor, sleep, sanity, aromatic comfort? Nope. I, being the full-time employee, graduate student, and 2-3 hour commuter everyday do NOT think having a huge (did I mention it's a German Sheperd?) animal in my house is even a mediocre idea.
So, as you see, these are the reasons why I have resisted doing such things as standing up for what I believe in, causing conflict, and saying anything to hurt people's feelings for quite some time. However, I really really feel like my actions were justified on both accounts. But, I left LRQTQ's house to support MMM who is now mad at me so I am stuck with no one to turn to except the internet. So thereyahaveit.
Have a fantastic Christmas, and let's all not forget the reason we celebrate it; Christ's birth. I hope I can find some comfort knowing many years ago my many sins were preparing to be paid for by a little baby in Bethlehem.
-TT-
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4 comments:
I'm totally with 3M on the party thing, but with you on the dog thing...although I would have hoped that could have been accomplished a bit more smoothly.
Hay cosas que me encabronan and the red, white & blue stuff would have set me off like not even 3M would have believed.
It wouldn't have been pretty.
Es mas, ya me estoy encabronando...
-J.
If you want to know the truth, I think I feel too scared to really raise a fuss about it. I don't want to lose a close frienship over politics. I'm never going to change her mind, and I just can't envision myself sitting in a room all alone with my politics and nothing else. I will let her know that MMM will not be attending anymore of her functions and that he is hurt by her disregard for his feelings. He would like an apology, but I'm not sure how to go about it.
Politics is one thing, and being insensitive is another.
While I am often tempted to launch in rants that would make Ann Coulter look like Ben Stein, I try to take people's feelings into account. Es una arrogancia del carajo to assume that:
1- EVERYONE simply must agree with you, or
2- People who don't are somewhat undeserving of your circumspection, or
3- Everyone loves a good, argumentative burst of polemics.
What would it have been like if the situation were the mirror image?
The issue isn't politics but consideration.
That said, the best way to mention this is to NOT assign blame ("You should be ashamed of what you said!") but to explain what, specifically, was upsetting and why. Tactfully and all that.
A good friend will understand that people disagree, even seriously, and there are good and bad ways to express that disagreement.
Just a thought,
-J.
P.S. It's people like this that fuel the xenophobes.
Absolutely- which is something MMM brought up; he said he would never say something he thought was blatantly disrespectful to her or anyone else. The thing was that she didn't think she was saying anything disrespectful which should show you how surrounded she is by people who share her political ilk. She and I have been able to share many a healthy debate on politics, socialism vs. capitalism, elitism and the like. It's a little more touchy of a subject when it's unrest between my best friend and my husband. I am one who doesn't like to disturb the peace, but in this case there is already a major disturbance awry. I'll find the words and let you know what the outcome is. Thanks for the perspective- it helps a lot!
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