Deficit Model

Time to go back to work tomorrow. I am so glad things are going to be picking up after the holiday lull. I have never considered myself to be that into work, but I realized a few things this holiday season, and one of them is I get really down when there's no business to speak of. When my inertia isn't in sync with the pace I have become accustomed to, I am a wreck!

That said, New Year was bittersweet. Good things first: I had a very intimate gathering of about 10 friends at my house. MMM was present for a little bit of it then went to hang out with his friends out in the country somewhere. I told him I didn't mind if he went since I know how much he stresses when he feels outnumbered. He was originally supposed to be working that night so of course when I planned the party I only invited my people.

Anyway, the menu was decent- a veggie baked ziti, baked chicken seasoned with Adobo Goya, pepper, garlic, white wine, and fresh basil, Fattoush salad consisting of the following fresh herbs and veggies: cilantro, mint, Italian parsley, chives, cucumbers, red bell peppers, and grape tomatoes all coated in a simple dressing of lemon juice, olive oil, crushed garlic cloves, S&P. The cocktail of the evening was my very own invention- The Bloody Berry; which was also a simple mixture of blood orange soda (Trader Joe's), raspberry vodka, raspberry liquer, garnished with a blood orange slice and a sprig of fresh red currants thrown in the mix for aesthetics. Around 11:30 I started feeling my utility waning so I decided to make a plum crisp from scratch to have for dessert....not my best I must admit, but I was pretty tipsy when I made it so the fact that I didn't break anything or burn the crisp was amazing. The house was decorated with fresh Thai orchids in new vases that match my décor to a T...it was a nice, simple touch.

Now on to the depressing part of my New Year's weekend. So I get a call from my cousin on Saturday night informing me that my grandmother only has a few months to live and is not able to take care of herself due to the ripe old age of 84 and a worsening heart condition. She says it's probably best that my sister and I go out there (Massachusetts) to see her as soon as we can so we can see her before she passes. I, of course totally agree and kick myself for not making it more of a priority to go see her sooner/more often. My sister and I talked about it and I agreed I would take care of her ticket and make sure she was OK on her bills while she's out there.
My sister then commences to inform me that she spoke to our mother who has decided she doesn't need to go out there for her mother's funeral when it happens because she'll already be gone so she and her daughters will just have our own service here (Washington State) because her boyfriend is here, etc. etc..
At this point I threw up about 800 obscenities and swore to never speak to my mother again if she did that. Furthermore, she moved away from home 40 years ago. My uncle and his wife have been the ones taking care of my grandmother since they're only 20 minutes away, and my mother has the audacity to say that she's "busy"? The woman hasn't worked in over 20 years, is living off alimony and her house is paid for. Do I recognize this as denial and a defense mechanism? Yep. Do I give a shit? Nope. I love my mother. My mother loves me. I will not, however, tolerate this kind of childish behavior from an almost 60 year old woman. My uncle is furious with her and my sister is working as my attorney pro bono (she is also my decorator and assistant when she lives her, and creates original paintings for me based on my décor needs) mediating between my mother and me. I finally called my mother this evening to hear it from her first hand and she said "oh I'm going out there, I said all that the OTHER DAY, I'm not like that anymore."

So one thing you must know about my mother is when she knows she's wrong she will do a few things: justify her position before she states it, and top it off with "that's what God told me to do." Her latest craze is to put it on her boyfriend and "her life here with him". What absofrickin'lutely amazes me is that she would put the feelings of some guy she's known for a year (not kidding) over those of her entire family. I'm at a loss. I really hope work can take my mind off of things until I can make it out there. If you have faith, please pray for me. I really need some strength right now.

-TT