Thursday, December 21, 2006
Fracasé. Fracasé algo horrible. I failed my Statistics test and got a C- in the class, which in grad school means I have to repeat it. This is the second class I have failed since the beginning of my MBA program. I got a D in Finance and now a C- in Stats. I work full time, own a house, am married, and I feel like a total failure. I have tried a million things to get the prof to give me a chance to retake the exam or find some lost points somewhere to bump me up to a C, but I am running head first into a brick wall. I never thought an MBA program would be easy, but I certainly never thought I would feel so miserable and waste so much money on repeat classes.
After I exhausted my options last night, I broke down. I had been trying to hold it in for a while, not wanting to drown in anxiety, but it was fruitless. I felt angry, ashamed, and totally defeated. I worked my ass off in that class and totally failed the final. Could I have studied more? Sure. I just want to know what kind of a lesson I'm supposed to get from this. Is it that I should slow down or work harder? Should I drop out or get back in the saddle? What am I trying to prove anyway? Why do I need my MBA? I am already in the career track I need to be in at work, I have everything else I need, and school is holding me back from having kids- not that I want them right now. I know what I set out to prove, that my undergrad GPA is not a reflection of my intellect, that I am a more mature, focused, driven person now who can go out and get a Masters in a field she never studied before. I know I never want to have to rely on someone to support me financially, that my credentials could always get me ahead in life even if I were in dire straits. I know I don't want to be like my mother and be 60 years old with 3 divorces under my belt looking for the next guy who's going to support me for the rest of my life. I hate failing. I hate failing. I HATE FAILING!!! I feel like everyone is going to laugh at me, they're going to celebrate my failures, that they're going to smirk and gloat under their breath. I have to figure out what I'm going to do with my life. I know it's not a wash, I know I can finish grad school if I get my ass in gear, so will I? I think I have forgotten my central purpose in life. Honestly, I really have forgotten- I can't think of it now, and I certainly think I should remember something like that.