Do you ever sit back and think about all the things that are bombarding you in life, falling around you like Molotov cocktails while you dodge them as they explode around your feet? It's times like those that make me want to light up and take a long, slow drag from a filtered tobacco product. I think I am a child of the 30s because in many ways I still find smoking very sexy. I never did it to be glamorous, I did it to be "hard" back in the day...Now, I just want to have the freedom to damage my body intermittently and feel like a half-starved model waiting for her turn on the runway as I take my last drag before showtime...
It's times like these that make me want to eat donuts, drink too much coffee, not exercise, and be a generally gluttonous wastoid. That is how I've been feeling for the past few months. I have a stairstepper at my house, time to sleep, opportunities to be healthy, and I shun every single one of them. I would rather have a Heineken before bed, read a sexy novel, write in my blog, or stay at my friend's house way too late talking about work, relationships, our neuroses, our potential dual-biography, and our identity complexes. I then get home close to bedtime so I don't cook dinner for my husband who works graveyard, I make a feeble attempt to redeem myself by calling him in a red wine laced voice asking him how he would like his tuna sandwich. Of course I get an attitude and a hang up because I didn't cook a hot meal. It's times like these where I want to give up all my self-control (what little I have left) and go buy a pack of Marlboro Lights. I quit smoking over a year ago, and even the couple years prior I only smoked a couple cigarrettes a month. Why does self-punishment feel so damn good sometimes? Why does adding cholesterol, tar, and alcohol to my body feel so right, but when I look at myself in the mirror and I feel my dough-girl arms I want to cry? I feel like wrapping my lips around a powdered raspberry jelly donut, letting the lukewarm jelly coat my teeth with sweet cavity promotion, the powder lightly dust the inner lining of my mouth....that is worth savoring. I haven't even eaten any donuts recently...that's just my favorite vice to fantasize about...I feel like I am trapped in a void of self-induced misery that I just keep perpetuating with my sick and twisted rationalization. When am I going to get with it? Geez....
6 comments:
I don't think you should feel guilty at all. Although I've only smoked cigarettes a handful of times, I see nothing wrong with the occasional drag. In this modern era of ours the "cult of health" has taken over all rational thought. Smokers are made to feel evil because there is simply nothing worse than doing damage to your body. Here in Los Angeles, self(and health)-obsessed people seem to never be able to enjoy the simple pleasure of life: a cigar,a vodka tonic while watching the sunset, a big juicy hamburger. They are always on the run--usually to the gym. You seem like the kind of person who really enjoys all that life has to offer. Don't stop.
You are correct...I am a person who enjoys the sensual pleasures of life...rich food, a stiff drink, soulful music, and beautiful images. On the other hand, I am married and the man I am married to has a serious objection to me smoking. It has been the topic of several heated arguments in the past; and I lost. I quit in the winter of 2004 because I started training for a marathon. I never completed the marathon, but I did get up to 15 miles in my training run. Since then, I have had ONE drag of a cigarrette at my friend's wedding because I was freaking out...Thanks for the encouragement and the green light! :)
'... want to eat donuts, drink too much coffee, not exercise, and be a generally gluttonous wastoid.'
You say it like these are bad things! I've devoted my life to them. Yeah, it makes it hard to get a date on Friday nights, but, on the other hand, a jelly doughnut only costs me about $0.75 rather than $60 for dinner and a movie, and I can confidently expect NOT to be disappointed by the doughnut (ahem).
This is true...the date thing isn't a concern for me since I am married...what is a concern is my lack of energy, depression when looking at myself in a dressing room (are those lights installed for population control? They sure make me want to end it all!) and my lack of desire to get out of bed in the morning. There have been points in my life where I was running 15 miles on a Saturday afternoon, and there have been times when I just sat in my dorm room, chain smoked, and watched foreign films. I just want to find some sort of semi-balance in my physical well-being. I did, by the way, find my way to the stairstepper on Friday night and felt much better afterward.
Say "hello" to me thru cigarette smoke
Say goodbye never.
Wake me in the morning
And I find out it's afternoon.
Why get up early
When your vices will wait for you?
Say "hello" thru cigarette smoke
Say goodbye- never.
Watch "The Maltese Falcon"
as we linger in bed.
They say it's Monday;
We say Saturday instead.
Say "hello" thru smoke
Say goodbye- never.
I've pushed long enough
I've worked so hard.
Tell indulgence I said "hello"
Too bad I can't stay forever.
Say something to me thru cigarette smoke.
And never say goodbye.
Even when discipline returns,
to save
you and I.
[Thx 4 inspiring this poem! I gotta use it somewhere.]
Oooh! I inspired something :-) I like it, it's very 1930s jazz-laced cigarette girl.
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