Monday, July 18, 2005
Too Much Sex in the City?
I have a friend. A beautiful, intelligent, witty, fit, responsible, homeowner, health insured, full-time employee, creative, bilingual, talented friend. She and I lived parallel lives upon our meeting almost 8 years ago. We both grew up eating organic food, were raised by single moms, (even thought mine married several times) were political activists from age 9, have always championed the underdog, and lived in Puerto Rico in subsequent years. We met in a Spanish linguistics class in 1998, and have been recounting our parallels ever since. Upon graduation from college, we both worked in social work with women, children, and the Latino community. I have grown to care about and truly love this friend...we talk everyday, update each other on all the stupid little details like how much we slept last night, what we're eating for breakfast, how far we got in the book we're reading...etc. It is this closeness we share that has gotten me through a lot of trying times, and I am very grateful to her for that. She and her son's father split up last summer when he chose his love for illegal herbs and distilled potatoes over his family. Since then, there have been so many times when I've seen HUGE red flags pop up with the guys she has dated, but she just sweeps it under the rug. After last summer, she has become increasingly closed emotionally, (for obvious reasons) but it has not deterred her from dating to fulfill her physical needs. At first I was all for it. I thought, "maybe it's possible to have a physical relationship and be in total control of your sex life without getting burned. As long as everyone agrees on the terms, go for it!" I was wrong.
Here's the problem: There is no such thing as meaningless sex. Regardless if you want it for physical quenching, emotional fulfillment, another notch on your belt, bragging rights, or control over your own body, it means something. I think the downfall for women comes when we try to live outside our makeup and pretend not to care anymore. When we try to be "hard" and act like each new meaningless sexual experience with men we would never marry or even consider for a long term relationship isn't a waste of our time. IT IS. Our time is precious, limited, and so much more valuable than we treat it sometimes. My friend spent all day yesterday pissed off because she got dumped by a guy she was dating who she would never marry or even love. It wasn't about her being sad; her pride was hurt. She spent all day angry about a guy she wasn't even with. She wanted to be the one to call the shots but he beat her to the punch and now she's mad. All because she underestimated her vulnerability...How do I shake her into reality to explain these things without her feeling like I'm judging her? She is worth too much to be left for a bottle, another woman, or an immature game she will never win.