Sono Terrana

"To be Sicilian is, in a sense, to consider it part of life’s purpose to avoid, subvert, or ignore the rules — any rules. “It’s not that we want to break the law, ” one young man explained. “It’s just that there are too many of them.”"

http://www.nationalgeographic.com/ngm/100best/storyC_story.html

Hunger Strike

Today is our 8 year anniversary....I had a long talk with him last night as I have been almost every night lately and he finally did something that made me turn my decision around to move out.
He drank wine. He has always criticized and poo-pooed my consumption of wine at home, and certainly never elected to share in my love of it. I had my obligatory 3 oz cup last night out of my Japanese tea cup, and he broke out a Seattle shot glass and asked me to pour him a little. He drank it and asked me if it's supposed to make your chest warm, and I laughed and said yes.
He's not doing well. He's lost about 20 lbs and he's not even going to the gym. He was in impeccable shape beforehand and now his eyes are consuming his whole face. He hasn't been eating and I know he is in a deep depression.
He told me that he had a plan to re-propose to me in front of the church where we got married 8 years ago today. He even wanted to ask a priest to preside over it so we could have a blessing or something...all of a sudden he wants God back in his life and I don't know why it took this but it did. I can't walk away from a starving man...I'm Greek for crying out loud. I have to cook for him and nurse him back to health. I want to accept his love and believe in the miracle that has occurred in his heart. I am going to give him a chance, but I told him I would never put up with what he put me through...not from him or anyone else in my life.
I prayed the other day for God to help me let go of some of the things I've been holding on to like my bitterness and dreams of a better life without him. I know I could not only survive but I could thrive without him...so my choice to stay is not out of necessity, but of desire.
My friends will be disappointed in this decision, but they don't have to live with it, I do. I am going to work on my schoolwork today, but when I get home I'm going to tell him. I hope I'm making the right decision- something in my heart tells me I am.

-TT

Feverish Rant

Yeah, I admit it...I was on a feverish rant last night, but it was a worthy one. It's not until I start visualizing the life I want that I can actually go out and pursue it. I'm up at 1 am on Tuesday morning trying to study for my stats mid term tomorrow and my mind is racing. I talked to my sister today...she just moved to Minneapolis and loves it. I am in the process of looking into a major Minneapolis-based company that I had the pleasure of connecting with in Houston at the MBA conference. I think it makes sense, and I think I might just do it. I need to step my school game up, for real though. I've been so consumed with my personal life that I've totally neglected my classes this term. If I can just forget about the rest of the world for a minute and get my education in order, I think I would be a lot more at ease. I can picture myself living the good life in Minneapolis for a couple years, then transferring to Miami or somewhere on the east coast. Damnit...I need to get a decent grade on this stats exam if I want to pass this class. I gotta get a grip.

-TT

Turning Things Around...

So I saw my new shrink on Friday...I like her. She's Venezuelan and she knew my GEMS. I had a long talk about my GEMS and we worked out some of the issues and sadness I had about losing her. It was a loss to the entire mental health community, as well as the Latino community. She meant so much and was so respected by everyone, it was hard to accept that she could get to a point where she didn't know what a loss it would be if she was no longer here. She asked me how I felt she was now, and I said that I would like to say she's at peace now, but I don't believe that. I don't believe that she could have peace if she could see the life she left behind from where she is now. I don't think she will have peace until she is reunited with her family in heaven and can ask their forgiveness...it was good to talk about it with someone who could offer some sort of insight...I think it's one of those things that the average person, including myself cannot fathom or understand.

On to other news...the 30-day period of marital repair ended yesterday. It looks like we're on the up and up, but something inside me is still unsettled. My new shrink asked me to start doing things based on the life I want for myself. Not what's best for the marriage or MMM, but what will be working toward the life I want for myself. It seems so simple, but I had never really thought of things that way. I suppose here is as good a place as any to paint that picture, so here goes:

I want to get my energy back, so I forced myself to get up at 9 am this morning and went for a 30 minute walk outside.

I want to succeed in school. I got my mid-term grades back for 2 of my classes and let's just say they were less than stellar. I came back from my walk and prepared a document for my group meeting at 1 pm so that they could see my head was in the game. I know I haven't been carrying my weight with them, and we just had our mid-term peer reviews which I'm sure I got slammed on. In our first meeting, I had just gotten done telling MMM I didn't want to be married anymore. Needless to say I wasn't quite focused during that meeting. We had a good talk today about our group dynamics and roles, so I think things will get better moving forward.

I have a test on Tuesday for statistics which I am going to do my best on, but it's always been an area of struggle for me. I am going to push myself to succeed at all costs.

I want to be fit. The aforementioned walk was just for my mental health more than anything else. I am going to start a fitness regimen slowly; I am wasting the best years of my life with a lower than average level of physical activity. I am too young to be so sedentary. I want to have a positive self-image, and more energy than I do right now. I don't need to be a supermodel, just active.

OK. That was the list of immediate things I can change. Here's the list of things I want for the future...the harder stuff that will require some tough decisions.

I want to be in a marriage. I want my marriage to be one in which I consider my husband to be my best friend. I want to laugh, cry, and love with him.

I want to have children. I want to share my children with a man who will be a wonderful father figure spiritually, emotionally, and financially.

I want to have an active spiritual life. I want my family to come together around church activities, I want my kids to be in Sunday School and I want my husband and I to study the Bible and pray together as a couple, then do the same with our kids.

I want to have an active social life. I want my husband and I to interact with mutual friends, couples, and our families. I want to host dinners and go to social functions together. I want to get excited to get dressed up, and I want to go to benefit dinners, plays, operas, concerts, dance performances, and ballet recitals for our baby girl.

I want to be active in the community. I want my husband to coach our son's little league team. I want to do volunteer work at a homeless shelter or children's cancer hospital. I want to do community clean up projects, I want to volunteer at my children's schools.

I want to travel. I want to be spontaneous and adventurous in our travel plans. I want to spin the globe like they did in Coming to America and pick a place to visit. "Heads New York, tails Los Angeles." I want to bring the kids eventually, but I want to have one trip a year alone with my husband where we go on a romantic getaway...maybe we go to the same place every year, maybe we go somewhere different. Either way, we'll have a great time.

I want to dance. I want to dance with my husband and my kids...maybe we could even have a Saturday night soul train in our living room where our kids teach us the newest dance moves when they're older, and we can have our songs that we teach them from back in the day. I want my children to know music, to understand the roots of rhythm and how it is an integral part of an enriched life.

I want culture. I want to teach my children Spanish and English at the very least, and I want them to learn Greek at Sunday school or even the Greek Orthodox school across the street from Company X. I want my children to be involved in their cultures- to know the food, languages, customs, and music. I want them to understand cultural patterns and the beauty of being a multicultural family. I want my children to embrace their differences and uncover similarities. I want them to cherish having grandparents from all over the world and laugh at the stark contrasts, but equally strong love.

I want art. I want to invest in paintings from my sister and other artists, but I want art to permeate my home. I want each room to have a signature work of art, whether it's a painting, sculpture, or photography. I want my home to reflect cutting edge elegance, and the taste I have developed over the years as my parent's daughter and the sister of an artist.

I want food. I want to cook incredible meals for my family every night, but I also want to create unforgettable holidays for my family and friends. I want to have dinner parties with all adults every other month...where we listen to jazz, salsa, or even dance hall reggae. After everyone goes home, I want to spend the evening with my husband doing whatever we feel like doing...

I want to write. I want to write a book someday. I want my husband and I to have enough financial stability to where I don't have to work, but I will work on projects as a consultant. As a mother, I want to raise my children but also dedicate time to part time work and writing. I want an office with a huge window that faces the water...whether it's the ocean, a bay or a river, it needs to be living water...not a lake or a pond.

I want wine. Sounds funny, but I want to invest in a wine collection from wineries all over the world where I travel. I want local wines (I live in pinot country) and I want a vast array of Chilean, Argentinean, Spanish, and Italian wines. I want to hold wine tastings at my house, and have a special wine opening on the holidays. I want to travel to wineries around the world and see how it's made in different countries.

It's a laundry list, I know- but I need clarity on where I'm going if I'm going to make it happen. I hope my new shrink doesn't think I'm a high-maintenance dreamer.

Focus coming back...

-TT-

Sleeping, Slipping, Sickly.

I've been sleeping a lot lately. I've been sick, so I'm trying to attribute it to that, but I was sleeping a lot before I was sick. I find that I need at least 11-12 hours of sleep a night, and my days are spent unmotivated and unfocused. I have had an incredible amount of loss this year, and while MMM and I are on the rise, I still don't feel like myself. I know I'm depressed, and as much as I want to snap out of it, I don't. I've been taking some medication that my GEMS prescribed to me before she took her own life...now I'm wondering if I should even be on them.
This year, in an effort to recoup my old self, I have reached out to friends and family to cheer me up. It always helps temporarily, but then I find myself in the same position again. It's almost as if it's physical and not mental. I don't feel strong enough to change my fate so I just slip away into unconsciousness. I often lie in bed with my eyes closed fantasizing about another life which just ends up depressing me more because I'm not in a position to make it happen. I want to feel alive again, I want to be awake and energetic. I get all kinds of advice from people, but it almost feels impossible to apply. I don't feel particularly sad about life in general, just disappointed in myself and my lack of ambition. I used to be impressed with myself somewhat...now I don't feel like much at all. I miss the times when I could laugh for hours at a time and paint pictures of beautiful dreams. Maybe one day it'll happen again, but in the meantime I'm here reaching out for something that I'm not allowed to have...scattered. self-absorbed. searching...I'm alone.

-TT-