Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Year 30

Life continues to amaze me. I will be leaving my full time position at Company X in 2 1/2 weeks to pursue my MBA full time. I will be interning with the fantastic corporate philanthropy department while I'm in school, and hopefully landing a full time job after I graduate. Things on the homefront are at a standstill and I am suspended in ambiguity. We went to the counselor twice, and haven't been back in 6 weeks because of work, missed phone calls, blah blah blah. I personally hate the counselor and think she's a moron, but he likes her. If she insults me the next time we see her I will walk out of the room. I've given her the middle initials "FC"- (draw your own conclusions as to what it might stand for) and I'm pretty sure she got whatever license she holds out of a cereal box.
I am just hoping that the old TT will make a come back...she has been missing for about 2 years. Between marriage problems, stress, disappointment, family tradgedy and lack of physical fitness, I am a shadow of my former self. True, I have had some pretty significant successes lately, but that fire I once had is gone. I'm hoping it comes back with the new life I'll be leading in a few weeks. I'll have a 2 week gap between full time employment and full time school, in which time I'm going back east to see family, then will have a week off to buy books, coordinate my school clothes, :-) buy school supplies, organize my office, map out my weekly calendar, and install some curtains in the office. I may buy a new chair for my office as well- the one I have is terribly awkward.
I want to leave work early today, but I know that's out of the question. I want to take some time off...but I have so much to finish before I leave. My boss is on vacation this week and last, so I should probably have something to show him when he gets back. I'm just burnt out, but I need to press forward. My mind has been so cluttered lately, but that's true all the time. It's almost over, but I have to get it together before I leave. I have to get my time together and stop acting like a child. I need to be responsible for my own development and my own work. I need to be the one that forges ahead without being asked. I need to be that person regardless of my education, my life circumstances, or my energy level. I have been so tired lately and it's wearing on me. My time is precious because I spend so much of it sleeping. Instead of wishing this time would pass, I need to take the lessons out of it for next time. If anything I can think of off the top of my head, it would be that I am much more empathetic to people in crisis. I used to get angry with them when they made detrimental mistakes, but now I am acutely aware of how a pending divorce or separation can turn you into a completely different person. You are jealous, insecure, moody, exhausted, sad, angry, and paranoid. You feel like everyone else is trying to ruin your relationship, and maybe some are. Things that never used to bother you like your spouse having female friends, suddenly jars you to your core. Suddenly you cry everytime he hugs you because you don't know if it's the last time you'll feel his arms around you. Suddenly you're a pathetic ball of emotions and you find yourself compromising all the things you said you wanted out of life because you're scared to death of losing the meager existence you've created in your marriage. Suddenly you think you'd rather have his barely there than nothing at all. Suddenly you think about having to start over with someone else and how you would feel about the children you had with that person. You would always be upset that you never had them with the man you made your life with. The man who stuck by you when you both had nothing, the man who you supported while he was in school, the man who you grew up with. Anyone else would have it easy- they would be meeting you as an established adult, and he was there through the hard times. I don't know...damn this is the hardest thing I've been through in years.

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