I thought I had made it. I thought I was at the top of my game and ready to conquer the world. No, I didn't think it would be easy but I didn't think I would be an abismal failure at so many things all at the same time. I am pretty sure I failed intro to Finance, (sorry Joker) I dread going to work which was supposed to be the job of my dreams that I couldn't wait to get into, and I am overweight because I don't have the mental space or energy to work out consistently.
I decided I'm going to scale back to one class a semester, no matter how impatient I get, or how badly I want to finish quicker. I CANNOT continue to be this miserable. I just had 4 days off and I have no desire to go to work and be everyone's task girl. I feel like my outlets for creativity are squelched and I have no creative space. I wanted so badly to make things great, to share ideas and be a part of something. The application process led me to believe I would be working in some capacity with the Latino youth market....not an ounce! I work with stressed out Europeans and Americans who have no soul. I suppose that's just the corporate world, but when will I arrive at that point in my life where I feel like I'm good at something?
I know this is a training position so just when I feel like I know what's going on I will switch departments. I know I only have about 18 months left, but to me it seems like a friggin' eternity. I just want to land that job that I can get comfortable in. Until then, I'm just going where they tell me to go. I wish I could work at home. I hate leaving here everyday. I wish I could work 20 hours a week from home and take care of my home and my husband. I wish I wasn't anxious about work on a 4-day weekend. I wish I wasn't failing school and everyone looked down on me. I wish I could be a good, fit, smart wife with a good head on her shoulders instead of a snappy-lipped fat ass who is a jack of all trades and a jack ass at all.
I know, I know. It could be worse. I could be in customer service with no hope of leaving...but at least I had time to dream there. Here I am just bogged down by everyone else's anxiety attacks. So while I am managing a workload, at the same time I'm managing the emotional stability of my bosses. I want to leave work but I can't. Maybe when I'm done with this training job I can take a hiatus and just finish school. Once I'm done I can decide what I want to do and who I want to be. I don't have to go right into the next position. I think it's more than reasonable to leave and come back-- months, tops. I can live off financial aid or work part time. Who knows, who cares? I just want some mental stability back in my life.
The one thing I can't do is treat this job like something I just have to get through. I have to show passion, albeit artificial. I am passionate about one of the projects I am working on, but why does it have to be so miniscule? I am not a person who is satisfied with mediocrity, yet I am living way below the bar. I think I am going to quit summer school. I can't afford to leave work by 5pm 2 days a week. In the Fall I will only have to leave one day a week by 6, I think I can do that. Man, I sound so dismal.