I miss him...

Today I cleaned out my jewelry box and found his baby ring...I also found the wedding ring he never wore. So many inconsistencies, too much pain to quantify. I wear the gold bracelet he gave me when we were dating, he was so sweet back then. I miss the days when love and hope lived under the same roof. Looking back though, I know that it was I who created the hope and made the love into something that should have never been. I believe he loved me as much as he could, and more than he had loved anyone before...unfortunately his heart wasn't strong enough to love me without condition and neither was mine. We placed so many expectations, so many unwarranted demands on each other and here we sit. At the end of it all, what we valued throughout our relationship is what we kept. Me and my MBA, he and his job...too bad we had to lose each other in the storm. I still love him and probably always will. I think he had his heart broken long before I came along, but I certainly opened up and widened his wound. I think about the baby he was, the heart troubles and how he barely survived birth...and I cry. I pray that God will take his pain away, that he will find solace in the Lord. I know that I need to look to God to take my pain away too...so much hurt and frustration, but at least I am getting rid of the anger in my writing. It's as much about me forgiving him as it is about me leaving that sad, destitute woman behind. I had so much pain in my heart from my marriage. My marriage, that I wanted to build me up but I could never get a hold of. I was never happy, never satisfied and now I have to, no I choose say goodbye. I'm saying goodbye to a life I lived and sometimes loved. I'm saying goodbye to pride before love. I'm saying goodbye to conditions, to punishment, to failure, to forced convenience. I'm saying goodbye to fear, to secrets in the dark, to a life of rejection and involuntary solitude. I love you Omi, I always will. I never wanted to hurt you or make you feel the way I did. I could have been a better wife and I should have. Something inside tells me it wouldn't have mattered...I would have ended up resenting you so I saved all my artillery and attacked you in the worst way possible. I wish I would have never gone to Maryland...but even God knows I was too far gone to do anything different. I should have canceled my trip there when we were in Arizona but I didn't. I knew Andrew was a piece of shit, but I felt like I was one too so I sank down to his level and became someone I truly could not stand. I found moments of peace in that place, but very few. I remember asking God for chance after chance all those years, wishing the darkness would go away. I remember promising God that if He would just let this mistake go I would be a good girl and never do it again...thoughts words, words actions, actions character, character destiny. Instead of allowing that character to define my destiny, I ended the charade. I could no longer suffer a life without love for my husband or myself; it had gone on far too long. I pray to God that one day Omi will understand this, but even if he doesn't, I know I did the right thing for both of us. God is good all the time, we just have to be able to understand why He allows us to fall sometimes. If we stick close to Him, He will bless us. If we fall on hard times when we're close to Him, He will give us the strength to endure the pain. Omi is in God's hands and so am I. I am grateful for the years we spent together, through him I learned how to survive. Watching him made me stronger, he is an amazing person in so many ways. He is strong, tenacious, and good at what he does. I know he can't see it right now, and I wish it wouldn't have taken me leaving for him to come to terms with God

Our marriage and our life together is over.

Workout.

I feel aching in places I didn't know I owned. From my lymph nodes to- is that still my abdominals all the way up there? Shit. I feel it.
I am on a workout program and decided I need to cut weight quickly for some reason, so I'm trying this program called HIIT- High Intensity Interval Training. Basically you challenge your body with alternating sprints and jogs for 30 second intervals starting at 4 minutes the first week and ending up at 15 at the end of it.
Sound easy? When was the last time you sprinted?
Well, the fact of the matter is I'm 33 years old and haven't been in ideal shape since I was like 27....yeah, that's too long. I no longer have someone telling me they can't tell when my body changes or that I'm going to die from eating a sandwich too late at night so I have all the motivation in the world to go out there and get this ass beach ready before I dare check myself out in the Target dressing room mirror.
You know the ones- they make you want to jump off the highest bridge nearby because they reflect every flaw, every dimple and even create new ones! Effin Target...I have no idea why they engineer those mirrors to make you look so hideous, but if I can do the 360 view of myself naked in there and have not the slightest thought of taking my own life I will send my pictures to Playboy.

Now that's what I call an incentive. Bring it on 2010, you're gonna make a lovely bitch.

2010 is NO Joke.

Well...it has been over a year since we last met my darling, but alas here am I.
Burnt toast, scrape off the charcoal, smother in butter and grape jelly and there you have my life for the past 3 years. (Make sure to wash it down with 5 mimosas and some chicken apple sausage)

Here's where I stand today my juicy kumquats: MBA? Check. Divorce? In the works. House? I left it to him. Fast car? I still have it. Sanity? Oddly intact. Heart? On the mend.

33 years old, marriage is over, life is starting again and I am oddly optimistic. The pain of separation pales in comparison to the pungency of stale inertia.

God grant me the serenity and all the rest of those beautiful side dishes that go with it. I am ready for the call- it will be the sweetest answering service you've ever heard.

Inquietud Espiritual

I've been in a state of spiritual unrest for quite some time.
My focus has been cloudy, and I haven't been able to make a clear decision with complete peace for several months, maybe longer.
I had a disagreement about the Bible last night with my best friend, and although we ended it OK, I woke up feeling uneasy. What I did feel good about was that it was the first time I'd stood up for my faith in the face of opposition in a long time.
Then, all of a sudden today things started popping into my head. Clear, accurate assertions that I knew I had to make. I had to stand in my faith not meekly, but with bold confidence; the confidence that if I stand up for God, He will protect me. No weapons formed against me shall prosper, I'm more than a conqueror. It was then that I started getting angry. I had this spiritual indignation that threw me into such direct clarity of understanding I started writing to the one person who should have been spiritually united with me all along. I sat down and wrote a 6-page, non-flowery letter telling him how it is and what needs to happen. I also realized that I had to forgive myself and tell him that I am doing so. I will no longer walk with my head turned behind me. The past is over and the future is not guaranteed. I am done living in fear. I am done living without faith. I will walk, talk, and act in holy boldness. I will submit to the will of God and accept my failures as a part of life. There's some work to be done...a lot of it in fact. I praise God for this unrest. I praise Him that He is revealing His truth and His light. I will look to Him and no one else for my guidance...Thy word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path.

~TT~

Sorry for the Drama...

Hey All,
If you're reading this it's because I sent you an invite as a faithful follower of my blog :-). I had to shut off public access due to the personal nature of my posts as there were some people looking at it that I didn't quite care for. Hope you are all enjoying life to the fullest, I look forward to your comments soon!

-Tremenda