Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Gotta Let it Out

I'm stressed. I am in an incredible financial bind with no immediate way out. I had an interview for a job that was great but didn't pay enough, so now I don't think I should have turned it down. I am so stressed right now I could scream. I can't pay my bills and even though I'm almost done with school I don't have a promising job prospect. God- I know I should be thankful but this has me insanely anxious and I can't sleep. I am going to do whatever it takes- it's Holy Week, I can't go to any of the services this week because I have class when they're going on, I need to finish my final presentations and papers and then...? I already put out a feeler to be a bartender but I need to SLEEP tonight.
Lord have mercy, Lord have mercy, Lord have mercy. God please hear my plea- you are the only one I can trust to get me through this...I am so stressed right now I can't see straight. I have to have faith, I have to have faith...I HAVE to have faith. Focus your energy...calm your spirit. No recruiter is going to call you at 12:20 have to sleep tonight so you can get it together tomorrow...God's got your back.

Saturday, April 5, 2008


Why do we do what we do? Why do we spend 21 years in school, get the title, buy the house, and keep. on. schlepping. What is our purpose? I know as much as I talk about my spiritual rediscovery that I should know the answer but I don't. I'm sitting here and I know I should be helping someone or cleaning the house or something...but I feel purposeless today. I am so close to getting done with school and I have no idea what the hell I'm doing. I know I may get a job but I also may lose my marriage. What, then would be the point of it all? I just wish I had some sort of insight into what my life could be like at least in the next year.
Will I be a barren female executive or will I be a mediocre corporate goon with 2.2 kids and a house in the suburbs?
It's funny- the thing that I fought so hard for is now a particle in the abyss...

Just a dark Saturday night, and no I haven't been drinking.


Estoy Cansada...

Llegue al fin del día y todo lo que siento es un tremendo sueño del alma. He estado llorando y arrepetiendo por semanas y semanas y ya me canse. Estoy perdiendo oportunidades por un sueño que a lo mejor no se va a realizar. Pero...tengo que mantenerme enfocada por que estoy luchando tan fuerte y es por que es lo correcto. En fin, si nos separamos o no, sabría que trate con todo lo que pude. Las oportunidades siempre van a estar. El dinero y la fama no vale mas que ganar la batalla mas importante de mi vida. Me tengo que recordar de eso...siempre.



Thursday, April 3, 2008

MBA Back in the House!

Yeah, so I know I've been talking an awful lot about sin, forgiveness, spiritual cleansing and the like, but today I am on a different note...a little more vain/less humble one.

So as you know oooh so many years ago I started my MBA...well folks, it's almost done. I started this journey back in August 2005 and I will be completely done on July 30th 2008. I am walking in the graduation ceremony on May 4th and I get to wear the fancy robe with the hood and drapy V-neck thingy. I am absolutely amazed at how long it's taken but quite frankly it flew by.

So as a close-to-be MBA grad, I started putting it out there, the résumé, the cover letters, etc. I've gotten a call from my former employer about a position but it didn't pay nearly what I am looking to earn upon graduation. The funny thing about it is it pays exactly what I was making before when I thought I was a millionaire!

And then it started happening...I've gotten several calls/emails for financial advising/insurance scam jobs which we all know anyone can do if they're money-hungry enough and like to rip off old people.

But then I got a call from a very promising employer today who saw my résumé online and although it's located about 3 hours north of me, it's an incredible opportunity that I might be able to work out for the right price.
I would be reporting directly to the COO of the company and would have WAY more responsibility that ever before...but they called ME and I gotta answer the call.

I think I can do this. I wasn't qualified for the last dream job on paper but I sure did get hired. The great news is I'll be DONE with school completely and not have a million other responsibilities hanging over my head so I can travel, commute, dance, sing, or whatever other carnival tricks necessary to get the job done right.

It's coming back and I can feel it.


Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Spring Cleansing

It is the 4th week of Orthodox Christian Lent and it's getting serious, folks. The fast is going fine, but my spirit is fighting. When I pray, I feel angst. I weep from a place I didn't know existed and it's physically painful. I ask God to give me peace, and I actually slept ok last night. I am truly having to wipe away all the grit and grime that has built up in my soul for the past 31 years.
I have a lot of work to do, and I want to get to a place in which I am truly hungering and thirsting for righteousness.

Forgiveness is key. Forgiving others, forgiving myself, and giving all up to God. I am finally realizing that I cannot change other people, and why should I worry about them? I have plenty of work to do on myself. If I were to focus on cleaning out my own sin and shortcomings, I wouldn't have a second left in the day to worry about what others are doing wrong.
Realizing that I am weak and susceptible to falling is another thing that I must come to terms with. No matter how good we think we are, we can always be better. We all fall short of the glory of God, and I continue to search for how to be closer to Him. He reveals things to me everyday, but the more I know, the more He reveals.

I continue to relinquish my power to God, admit my own weakness and lack of control over things in my marriage, my family, my career, my education, and my friendships. I had a tear-stained prayer last night in which I not only cried for mercy, but professed my heart-felt love for God the Father. He is waiting with open arms to carry us home no matter what we've done. I ran away from Him for so many years because I was afraid of his judgment. The feeling of guilt is a sin. The feeling of sorrow is what we should feel when we repent. Sorrow for hurting God, sorrow for sinning against ourselves, and sorrow for separation from the Holy Spirit.
I am in the process of learning the meaning of humility. There is still so much to learn, and I hope I never feel satisfied with what I know. Through sadness comes joy. Joy of love from the Living God, joy of returning home, joy of no more running.

I was running and He literally picked me up and took me home- by air. I remember the day so vividly, it started a process of great remorse and self-realization. Admitting you have done wrong is only the beginning. Blocking out the voices of rationalization for sin is a whole other feat. We can justify absolutely everything we do. We can cite other people responsible, or claim we just weren't strong enough, or it was something we "had to do", and God will understand. He will always take us back, but there are serious consequences to our actions.

I may lose what I hold most dear to my heart. I am finally at a point of trying to grow up and stop chasing the wind. The wind changes its mind whenever it feels like it with no consequences...but I cannot be the wind, I can only feel it. I am to stop listening to the voices that the wind carries, for they too come and go.

I need a firm foundation and it must be able to stand up to breezes, gusts, and tornadoes. I am constantly being tested. I am tested by my own mind, my friends, my family, and perfect strangers. The more open I am with God, the more aware I will be of the tests and how to combat them.

I used to think that opportunities to sin would be obvious and direct, but they aren't. They are often gradual, presenting themselves as benevolent and even Godly. Question everything- those who claim to be "good people" those who claim to be "moral and ethical" one will ever tell you the pain they are in because often they have no idea. Do not compromise your morals or values for another person because you feel they need you. God will take care of them better than you ever could.